The Third ShadowClan Reich
by VolcanicPizza
Summary: Snakepaw is an apprentice of ShadowClan. He has created something called a "gun" that has greatly strengthened his Clan. And he has changed everything far from how it used to be simply with his presence. What is the reason for his successful domination? Certainly not the fact that he was once a Twoleg. No, it's got to be something else... (Alternates between crackfic/normal fic)
1. I Act Racist

**A/N: Well, originally this was something different, but I changed it to... this.**

"Luke!" screeched my little brother Albert, racing through the door. "I broke my toy lightsaber!"

"That's what you get dueling Darth Vader with Chinese merchandise." I replied, pretending to do a Vader force-choke.

Albert made a mock-horrified look. "You racist! What's wrong with Chinese lightsabers?"

I sighed and face-palmed. "Great StarClan!" I muttered to myself.

"What's StarClan?" asked Albert curiously.

"One day, when Mom lets you read Warriors, you'll know." I replied. "Anyway, I'm not racist. Donald Trump is racist."

Albert held out the broken lightsaber. "Can you fix it?" he asked hopefully.

I inspected it for a moment and looked up. "You have a screw loose there." I said, pointing to his head. "Just tighten it and it'll be fine."

"Hey!" Albert yelled.

"Just kidding." I fiddled with the lightsaber and it snapped into place. "There."

"Thanks, Luke!" Albert beamed and raced out the door of my room.

I smiled, watching after my little brother. His affection made it a little harder to do what I did on FanFiction.

I was a comment troll.

Under the name fuq69, I trawled the depths of Warriors and FNaF fanfiction trolling people, posting comments about their bad character composition, weak plot, or poor spelling. Awful trollfics like Starkit's Prophecy (even though I couldn't locate that anymore) got full marks and all positive comments from fuq69.

It was a troll's life I lived.

Despite my trolliness online, when I closed out of FanFiction, I was an ordinary kid with a genuine passion for Warriors. Of course, were I ever to become a cat and join the warrior Clans, I'd troll the record by joining WindClan and becoming a medicine cat. Just to break the status quo. Then I'd try to give the Clans Twoleg technology, then troll everyone. As far as I knew, what everyone did on their human-turned-warrior stuff was just normal becomes a warrior, receives a totally predictable prophecy, stays a warrior even when offered to become a Twoleg again. That kind of thing.

Of course, it couldn't happen. My hacking and trolling skills weren't the skills needed to do that kind of thing. Duh.

 **A/N: I'm considering discontinuing this, so make sure to tell me whether that's a good idea. Don't just say 'discontinue it' if you're a troll like Luke/fu69. If you are, go ask for psychological help. You'll come out of it a lot better, trust me.**


	2. I Die

**A/N: On to Chapter 2. I guess.**

 **PizaSmokesWeed: You're just confused because I didn't turn Luke into a cat in the first chapter.**

 **Shadowman: Well, dafuq to you too.**

 **YUNO: Uhhh...**

 **And no, the profile 'fuq69' doesn't actually exist. I just made it up for the story. Deal with it.**

 **And as for Luke not exactly being a likable character, I'm trying to break the status quo for this on purpose.**

When Monday rolled around, I ate tacos. Derp.

Well, not really. What I actually did was suffer through algebra, PE, and a bunch of boring classes I really didn't want to take, get detention for starting a food fight in the cafeteria (I just couldn't help it. The school's salad, when rolled into a ball, works SO WELL as ammo!), and walk home feeling depressed.

Maybe trolling would cheer me up. Throwing aside my backpack (I never do my homework), I booted up the computer and logged onto FanFiction. I searched for Mary-Sue stories by typing in 'warriors greatest destiny,' then browsed awful Warriors fics for an hour, commenting rudely and reporting all the nice reviews as 'offensive.'

"LUKE! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!" screamed my mother. She wasn't screaming because she was angry, she was just screaming because the basement, where her office is, is so far away from my room.

"I AM!" I screamed back, wondering if she'd even be able to hear me, then went right back to trolling people.

After flaming someone who seemed to think they were invulnerable to flaming, I logged off and kicked back in my chair, chortling happily. I felt good about myself for once. I couldn't do much in my life as a normal kid, but as a troll, I was invulnerable.

 _You're not as invulnerable as you think you are,_ whispered a voice in my head.

"Shut up, voice in my head." I replied. Over time, I'd gotten used to the voices in my head, and often held conversations with them. And don't tell me I'm insane, because you know you've done it too.

 _But you aren't. You know it, Luke._

"I thought I told you to shut up."

 _You did. But I'm here to warn you. Your life is about to change, forever._

"SHUT UP!" I screamed so loudly I thought my mom would probably be able to hear me.

 _I'm not the voice in your head you always talk to, Luke. This is the best means of communication we can get through._

I scooted into the back corner of my room, as if that would help me escape the voice. "What are you?" I whispered.

 _You know, Luke. Or should I say..._ Twoleg?

"Oh, don't tell me." I groused. "Because my life sucks, you're StarClan communicating telepathically into my brain, you'll turn me into a cat, dump me into ThunderClan when my favorite Clan is ShadowClan, and then I'll save the Clans or something. That's how it always goes in those cruddy fanfics I read."

 _No. You're being transformed, true, but for a different reason. Always, Twolegs have meddled in the affairs of the Clans, indeed, all cats. Your species is the reason SkyClan was driven away, the reason the Clans were forced to find a new home._ Always it has been Twolegs. _So this is your chance to redeem Twolegs in the eyes of StarClan. Pray you live well as a Clan cat._

A bolt of pain seared through me, and I fell towards the ground. Next my body felt as if it was being stuck inside a vacuum, slowly being crushed and asphyxiating. It wasn't just my skin, but every single cell in my body. The vacuum sensation disappeared, only to be replaced by the feeling that I was being turned inside out, one cell at a time. I screamed, but all that came out was a weak whistling noise.

 _Is this death?_ I wondered.

And then I died.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. _But, Luke, you couldn't possibly have died. Otherwise you wouldn't be telling this story right now!_

All the same, I died.

And then I found myself in a forest.

"What just happened?" I asked.

"You died." came a voice from the trees.

I whirled instinctively, marveling at the sparkling lights but not letting it distract me. "Who said that?"

"I did." A white cat stepped from the trees.

"Hey, are you my former kittypet Jupiter?" I asked. "You look just like him."

"No!" the white cat replied. "I am Whitestorm."

"How am I understanding you?" I asked.

"The language of death is universal." he replied in an even tone.

"Oh, no, am I dead?" I panicked a little. You would have too. "Don't tell me I'm dead."

"You are." Whitestorm replied. "It was the only way that we could take you and replace you inside a cat body."

"Wait, what?" I asked. "I don't want that to happen!"

"You had no choice in the matter." Whitestorm meowed. "We'll have to erase your Twoleg memories, but you'll regain them when you become an apprentice of the Clan you are placed in."

"Don't I get a choice?" I pleaded.

"No." Whitestorm's voice was as cold as a winter frost.

Then darkness swarmed over my vision, eating away at me.

 **A/N: Don't blame me for killing him. I needed a logical way to have him be able to communicate with StarClan, be placed into a cat body, and be a Clan cat in the first place.**


	3. Rage

**A/N: I'm just going right into this.**

 **And why no full allegiances? Because f*ck everything, that's why!**

 **This is set around the beginning of Power of Three.**

 **Texasface: Thank you for your support.**

 **PizaSmokesWeed: Please take care to spell better next time, because quite frankly I don't understand a word you wrote.**

 **CynicalBritton: Luke's actually more similar to Deadpool than you may think...**

 **And Fernheart doesn't exist as far as I know. I made her up for the purposes of the fic.**

 **And finally, if you're expecting this to stick to canon, you shall be sorely disappointed.**

 _ **Allegiances: ShadowClan only because, like I said, f*ck everything.**_

 **Leader** : **Blackstar** -large white tom with huge jet-black paws

 **Deputy** : **Russetfur** -dark ginger she-cat

 **Medicine Cat** : **Littlecloud** -very small tabby tom

 **Warriors** :

 **Oakfur** -small brown tom

 **Rowanclaw** -ginger tom  
 **Apprentice, Ivypaw**

 **Smokefoot** -black tom  
 **Apprentice, Owlpaw**

 **Snowbird** -pure white she-cat

 **Queens** :

 **Tawnypelt** -tortoiseshell she-cat with green eyes, expecting Rowanclaw's kits

 **Fernheart-** light brown tabby she-cat, mother to Snakekit (light gray tom) and Redkit (dark ginger she-cat)

 **Elders** :

 **Cedarheart** -dark gray tom

 **Tallpoppy** -long-legged light brown tabby she-cat

"Hey, Snakekit! Wake up!"

I rolled over, my dream vanishing. _What had it been about? Something about me, but different. I don't remember how... and then I died, or something like that._ The more I tried to grasp the dream, the more it eluded me, taunting me and dancing around the corners of my conscience.

"Snakekit!"

"Shut up, Redkit!" I ignored my littermate and focused on the dream. _I can't remember..._

Redkit launched herself on top of me, sending me tumbling across the clearing. I hissed in anger and swiped at my sister. A drop of blood appeared on the tip of her ear. "Nice work, dickface!" I hissed. "You made me forget my dream!"

Redkit cocked her head curiously. "What's a dickface?"

"I-" I thought about it. "I don't know, actually. I think I made it up."

"Well, dickface," Redkit commented, swiping back at my ear, "I just wanted to play with you!"

"Well, I don't want to play with you!" I replied. "I'm gonna go hide in the dirtplace!"

"Ew!" squealed Redkit. "Why would you do that?"

"To hide from you, obviously." I snorted.

"But why would you do that?"

"God dammit, are you really that dense? I DON'T WANNA PLAY WITH YOU!"

"Why are you making up more random words?" Redkit was genuinely puzzled.

"I... Just leave me alone!" I whirled and raced into the corner of the camp. Glaring into a pool of water that had developed in the corner of the camp, I wondered why I hated Redkit so much.

"Why are you doing this to me, VolcanicPizza?" I wailed to the sky. "Why can't I just have an easy, friendly life with my sister?"

"Because it's my story and I don't want you to." responded an omniscient voice from the sky. "Ha ha. Troll face." Strangely enough, none of the other cats in the camp appeared to hear it either.

"And why do I keep having these weird dreams I can't remember?" I continued, apparently not noticing the voice in the sky that was presumably that of the Twoleg that had dreamed me into existence in the world of this fanfiction. I turned to the direction that I assumed the screen was in and continued, "Please, people reading this, tell VolcanicPizza to let me have an easy life!"

"Even if they do, I won't listen." the voice in the sky laughed.

"FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-" I raged, and at that moment remembered something called a 'rage comic.'

 _Quick, before it fades from my memory!_ I drew earnestly in the muddy silt. _A trolldad rage comic._ I remembered.

It went like this:

Trolldad: Son, how many wings does a chicken have?

Son: Two!

Trolldad: Okay, how many feet does a chicken have?

Son: Haha, that's easy, two!

Trolldad: How many teeth does a cat have?

Son: Uh, I dunno. Twenty?

Trolldad: Seems you know more about cock than you do pussy!

Son: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Redkit trotted up behind me. "Hey, what's that?" she asked. "And what're those squiggly things next to the pictures?"

"It's a rage comic." I replied. "It shows Twolegs doing mouse-brained stuff."

"What do the squiggly things mean?" Redkit asked.

Already I was losing the concept of the alphabet, so before I forgot, I wrote out the alphabet and patiently explained the sounds each one made. It reinforced the alphabet and familiar words in my head. I read the rage comic to Redkit, and she frowned. "I don't get it."

"Of course you don't." I sighed, wiping a paw over the silt and obliterating the rage comic.

Yet I didn't destroy the alphabet, and instead stared at it, memorizing it and committing it to memory lest it fade again.

The sight of the squiggly lines, recognizable from a place I didn't remember, filled me with determination.

 **A/N: Heh. And of course I had to sneak in a random Undertale reference.**


	4. Le Wild Herp Derp

**A/N: So I'd tell you guys all about why I took this off hiatus and stuff, but chances are you won't take the time to read it so I'll say one thing: It was because of A Silver Nightmare's kind review that this is now back up and running. Incidentally, it's also because of her that this chapter took its form.**

After a timeskip of a few moons during which nothing relevant to the story happened, and chances are you don't want to hear about the incident in which I magnificently trolled Redkit and recalled my memory that I was actually a Twoleg... Huh? What? You want to hear about that?

Too bad.

Okay, fine. Get off your knees and stop whining. I'll tell you.

One morning, when I woke up, I saw a review on the fic I'm apparently just a character in and not actually a real person (crazy, right?) magically projected into the sky. All I could read of it before it vanished, again by some random magic, was, "Hopefully Snakekit accidentally buries himself in the dirtplace and stalks..."

"Great idea!" I called up at the clouds. "Thanks, StarClan/VolcanicPizza/whoever projected that up there!"

"It was actually VolcanicPizza's little brother!" shouted somebody, but somehow I didn't hear them.

So then I piled dirt on myself (not that kind of dirt, the other kind of dirt. Ew.) and hid in the nursery. It didn't take long before le wild Redkit derped in-

Huh? You don't like people saying derp, herp, and le?

Well, then.

Le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le le

Herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp

Problem, people who are butthurt about leherpderp? U jelly, trolls? U mad?

Anyway, as I was saying, le wild Redkit derped in-

Make another interjection like that one and I'll double what I just did. Then quadruple it! And keep it up with the les, herps, and derps until you beg for mercy!

Okay, where was I?

Oh, right. After Redkit derped in.

Yeah, I'm too tired to tell you right now. Good night.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

* * *

Okay, I'm awake now. Stop poking me, or I'll poke back, in your genitals.

Just for that, I'm putting it off until tomorrow. That'll teach you.

Hmph.

No, not even with a cherry on top.

Stop with the "pretty please"ing me. It's not going to work.

Seriously.

I"m giving you the evil eye right now.

Shoo. Scram. Go look at other fics.

Seriously, nothing's changing my mind.

Stop giving me that look.

Seriously, stop looking at me like that.

No! _Stop!_

That's it! I'm hiding in a cave where you can't hit me with those "bambi eyes."

Goodbye! Don't you dare follow me!


	5. I Go to Narnia

**A/N: So, yay, I'm back. Not much to say, except that I hate homework.**

 **A Silver Nightmare: Well, at least your questions will be answered this chapter.**

 **PerfectlyClearly: Believe me, Redkit _is_ eternally stuck in a state of derping.**

 **Shadowman: Fine. Here.**

 **CakeCat: Well, nice Monty Python trail of connections (you know that's where that originally started, right?) and here's the update you requested in between coughs.**

Still here, huh? That's determination. I'll give that to you.

So when le wild Redkit derped up-

What did I already tell you? Don't you remember what happened last time?

So anyway, when Redkit derped up, I launched myself towards her moaning, "I am the omniscient dirt monster!"

Redkit screeched in terror, then suddenly stopped. "Snakekit, is that you?" she asked.

"Dammit."

Frustrated that my trolling attempt had failed, I ran out of the camp, ignoring the cats around me. Still semi-covered in dirt, I vaguely realized that there was the lake in front of me before I raced right into it.

Dirt floated off of me in chunks as I sighed in relief. I got back onto the dry shore and shook myself off. "There." I sighed. "I wonder..."

Wondering how I knew where I was going, I ran along the lake's shore until I saw it: a Twoleg path stretching into the trees. I wondered vaguely how I knew it was a Twoleg path right before I tripped and clobbered my head on the road.

Yowling sounded in my head, something like _It isn't the time yet!_ I gasped, clutching my head and doubling over, as everything streamed back to me. _I am a Twoleg named Luke, I was killed and turned into a cat..._

"What am I?" I whispered to myself, and then I remembered the last bit of information.

"I am a troll." I laughed gleefully. "I've already broken the _status quo_ by not being in ThunderClan and the whole reincarnation thing. Similarly, there's no prophecy about me... yet."

Trying to remember as much as I could from my previous life, I laughed again.

"I wonder how ShadowClan would like to have guns? And, after I become Littlecloud's apprentice, I wonder how ShadowClan would like to become a medicine cat-led hegemony?"

* * *

I cheered inwardly as I burst back in through the entrance. _I remember it all!_

"Snakekit!" Fernheart yowled, racing towards me. I flinched, then remembered, _As far as they are concerned, she is my mother._ "Where have you been?" She bagan frantically licking my ears and doing other annoying-mom stuff.

"Narnia." I replied sarcastically. "Look, I need to talk to Blackstar. I've got an idea for something that could make us the strongest Clan in the forest. Right now, I call it a 'gun.'"

And because this is a trollfic, I was sitting in Blackstar's den a few minutes later.

"What is this idea of yours, Snakekit?" Blackstar asked me.

"What if I told you there was a way to strike down our enemies from many fox-lengths away?" I asked.

Blackstar's ears twitched. "I would say only StarClan has that power."

"I have a plan for something called a gun that will work like this..." I sketched out a machine gun plan on the floor, altered so a cat could sit behind it and pull the trigger with both paws. "I'll make a stone one first, then I'll get my paws on other materials to make more efficient ones."

Eyebrows lifted, Blackstar said, "Impressive plan, especially for a kit, but how will you make it 'fire?'"

"That's a substance called 'gunpowder' that will help. I'll need sulfur, charcoal, and saltpeter."

"What are those?" Blackstar asked.

 _Damn, I need to dumb it down!_ "We can find sulfur around hot springs, and those should be easy to find. Charcoal is just burnt wood. I might be able to find saltpeter in the tunnels under the territory."

Blackstar said nothing, clearly thinking I was stupid. "Look, I'll do it myself. I don't need help."

"No, Snakekit." Blackstar snapped. "You are a kit, and you will not be going on some frog-brained scheme that may or may not work. Maybe when you're a warrior..."

"I don't want to be a warrior." I snarled. "I'm going to be a medicine cat, and nobody short of the god of trollfics or possibly the author can stop me!" Then I stomped out.

 _It'll take too long to make my own gun,_ I thought gloomily as I sat down in the corner of the camp to think. _I'll just steal one from Twolegs. Then, once Blackstar sees that guns are worth something... THEN, I will dominate the Clan._

 **A/N: As you can probably tell by now, Snakekit/Luke is a bit of a megalomaniac as well as a troll.**


	6. Blackstar is a Pussy

**A/N: Hello, everyone, and welcome back! The next chapter shouldn't be that long in coming, I promise.**

 **Also, each chapter will now be getting a title.**

When you're a cat, stealing a gun is a lot easier than you might think it is. Seriously, there's a reason the term "cat burglar" came into use.

Luckily for me, the little cottage in ShadowClan territory had an open window. And just because this is a trollfic, I somehow managed to find a pistol. I opened it up with my adorable little kitten claws and checked it. Fully loaded.

"Oh, yes." I left the cottage, and that was when I heard the voices behind me.

"Look, it's a little kitten."

"Let's tear him to pieces."

I turned around. Those two cats from the cottage (I hope you know what I'm talking about. You know, the murderous ones) were standing there.

"Hello." I said fearlessly. "Leave me alone, unless you'd like to have a bad time."

The two cats just stared at each other, then burst into laughter.

"Okay, you asked for it." I said, leveling the pistol at them with my claws. "Run, or I'll blow your freaking brains out."

They didn't listen, mainly because they were too busy laughing.

 _God dammit._ "Okay, then, we'll do this your way." I gripped the trigger with my teeth and pulled it.

The recoil of the pistol nearly broke my teeth and the roar of the gun deafened me. The she-cat's paw erupted in an explosion of blood. She howled in pain, and I, gripping the pistol in my teeth, ran for my life.

* * *

 _I just shot a cat with a pistol!_ I thought as I raced back to the camp. Adrenaline rushed through me. _There are nine rounds left, so I can show off my amazing marksmanship to the other cats. Surely they'll listen to me once they see a real gun in action!_

"Attention, everyone!" I yowled as I raced into the camp, clenching the gun in my teeth. "I have something I'd like to show everyone."

"What is that thing you're holding?" Tawnypelt asked.

"Snakekit, where were you?" asked Fernheart, racing over towards me. "I was so worried!"

"Get off me!" I ducked away from her. "The Clan needs to see this!"

"See what?" Blackstar stood at the entrance to his den with a dangerous expression on his face. "Snakekit, this had better not be the same frog-brained idea you proposed to me earlier."

I laughed in his face. "You're passing up an opportunity to make ShadowClan the strongest Clan in the forest?" _You really are an idiot._ I added privately.

Scraping quickly with my paws, I made a cat-sized pile of soil from the soft dirt on the camp floor. After shaping a head I stepped back. "Here," I said. "Blackstar, pretend that this mound of dirt is a cat. How would you defeat it?"

Blackstar glared at me. "Snakekit, you-"

"Fine, don't. Who wants to have a try?" I turned to inspect the Clan.

"What are you trying to do, kit?" asked Cedarheart. "You're barely four moons old. Go play with your sister and leave being a warrior to the older cats."

"No! I am trying to demonstrate a way to make ShadowClan the most powerful Clan in the forest, and you scoff? Do you even..." I broke off my rant. "Here, Smokefoot, why don't you demonstrate how to defeat this dirt-cat?"

Smokefoot calmly jumped on top of it and swiped his claws across it. "The end. What are you trying to show, Snakekit?" he sneered.

"This." I brandished the pistol. "Now, everybody back up in case this thing misfires." I lined the pistol up with my paws and pulled the trigger with my teeth.

The recoil was expected this time, but the cats weren't expecting the explosion of noise from the gun. They yelped and jumped away from me, even Blackstar. "Snakekit, what was that?" he snarled, trying to recover some of his dignity.

"This is called a gun." I replied. "Why don't you look at what it did to the dirt cat?"

Everyone swiveled their heads like owls towards the pile of dirt. The head had been blown clean off, and the bullet lay smoldering in the dust.

I kicked the bullet over to Blackstar, and it rolled before coming to a rest at his feet. "This is the power I was trying to show you. If one bullet can end a cat, we could win all of our conflicts with just a few cats armed with these. And this is just a pistol, the smallest kind of gun. What if I told you there was a type of gun called an 'Kalashnikov' that could spew death and destroy an entire patrol in less that five seconds?"

With a great roar the cats began cheering. _I'm probably going to be criticized as a Gary-Stu by reviewers, and people are going to compare me to Starkit, but right now, I don't really care._ I thought as I basked in the glory.

* * *

Needless to say, Blackstar approved me to lead a patrol to recover more guns the next day.


	7. Dammit, Fernheart!

**A/N: For those of you who are familiar with your alternate history, this work has two probability types. At a cursory glance, "The Inception of Trollololol" is Alien Space Bats, what with the unlikeliness of a Twoleg becoming a cat and then introducing guns. However, following the point of divergence from true history this becomes hard alternate history. I did my research and pored over brick-thick Warriors books to catch references that might have escaped other people. Unfortunately for my alternate-historian-self, since ThunderClan is the "main Clan" there really isn't much information about other Clans, so I had to make do with what I had.**

 **(I took the probability levels from TvTropes.)**

 **Rainford: (grand bow) Your wish is my command.**

"So, remind me why a kit is leading our patrol?" asked Russetfur.

"Because I know what guns look like and how to check if they're loaded and you don't." I replied.

"Loaded? What does it mean to loaded a gun?" Rowanclaw was clearly puzzled.

"You see what I mean?" I sighed.

We were padding down the side of the Thunderpath that led up to the docks and halfbridge. I was clenching the pistol in my teeth, in case we ran into any trouble. Russetfur, Rowanclaw, and Smokefoot were on my patrol, as well as- because she insisted- Fernheart, who still felt this was too dangerous.

"Honestly, Snakekit, you're only a kit." Fernheart fretted. "Couldn't you just teach other cats how to check to see if guns are loaded?"

"That's the ninth time you've said that since we left the camp, and I've already told you the answer." I sighed. "At least you used the grammatically correct tense for 'loaded,' though."

"What is grammatically correct tense?" Russetfur asked.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm a grammar Nazi, which makes it even harder to be a troll."

"What?" Russetfur was even more confused now. "Are these 'grammar Nazis' an elite corps of cats you intend to form to teach them to fire guns correctly, and is 'troll' going to be the term for the leader of this group, which you clearly intend to be?"

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. My knees grew weak and I sunk to the side of the Thunderpath, drawing in great gasps of air between laughs.

"What's so funny?" questioned Rowanclaw, and the serious tone of his voice just made me lose it again.

 _God,_ I thought as I laughed, _I never knew it would be this funny to troll the actual warrior cats. I mean, here I am, trolling Russetfur and Rowanclaw. How many people can say that?_

Once I managed to regain my composure, we continued onward. It wasn't long before a Twoleg nest loomed ahead.

"Are you sure we have to go into that to get these guns?" Fernheart asked. "It's dangerous in there, especially for a kit-"

"Stop being overprotective. I brought my gun, and if any Twolegs come near us I'll shoot them."

"I still don't think you should be allowed to be doing this. You're only four moons old."

"Quiet, your meowing will alert the Twolegs." I nimbly jumped up to the window sill and tried to heft it open, but I couldn't. _Curse my puny little kit body!_ "Rowanclaw, a little help?"

Rowanclaw leaped up to the window and managed to shove it open. "What are we waiting for?" he growled. "Let's get these guns and get out of here."

I led the way into the room. There weren't any Twolegs around, but I knew they couldn't be far. "I don't even know if these Twolegs will have guns, I was just goddamn lucky last time," I meowed, "but they'll probably have them on the second level."

"What?" Fernheart was horrified. "It's too dangerous up there for a kit!"

"Your son, so far, has handled himself quite admirably." Smokefoot noted. "Perhaps you should stop worrying and leave him to do this without interference."

I cast Smokefoot a grateful glance as I stepped onto the first stair. _I hope they do have guns here._ Despite Smokefoot's assurance, Fernheart continued to fret all the way upstairs.

In my defense, I tried to be quiet, I really did. But when you have an overprotective mother fretting behind you, worrying about every step you take and every half-imagined noise, it takes a lot of self-control to not whirl around and yowl, "WOULD YOU JUST PLEASE SHUT UP?"

My yowl echoed around the walls as I realized my mistake. Footsteps were heard downstairs, along with the barking tones of a Twoleg and a dog.

"Shit." I swore loudly. "Let's get the guns and get out of here!"

The door to the bedroom was open, and luckily for us, there was a gun locker in the corner. Unluckily, it was locked.

"Shit." I repeated, then managed to gain self-control. I dropped the gun from my teeth onto the floor. "Somebody take this. To shoot it, just pull the trigger with your teeth. Shoot anything that comes through the door, and aim for the chest and head."

Rowanclaw snatched up the gun and positioned it in his paws. I turned around. "Can somebody boost me up to that shiny circular thing up at the middle of the door? The guns will be in there."

Dutifully Smokefoot positioned himself up against the door, and I managed to climb on top of his shoulders and glare at the lock. It was a combination lock.

"Okay." I put my ear flat to the door and gently began to turn the lock.

"Snakekit, what are you doing?" Fernheart screeched.

"Shut up!" I heard the click within and turned the lock again gently.

 _Click._

"One more." I turned the lock again.

 _Click._

"Snakekit, are you done?" Smokefoot asked between gritted teeth. "My shoulders are starting to hurt."

"Got it." I pulled backwards, and the door tumbled open with a crash just as the Twoleg burst into the room with a dog by his side.

He had a shotgun.

"Shit."

Rowanclaw pulled the trigger, and a bang echoed around the room.

The Twoleg put his fingers to the wound on his chest. He seemed almost confused before toppling backwards.

"Got 'im!" Rowanclaw cheered, sounding for all the world just like some YouTuber playing Team Fortress 2.

"Get the dog! We'll take care of the guns!" I turned my attention to the locker.

Three pistols and a rifle, plus quite a bit of ammo. Not a bad haul.

The gun banged again as I saw the bag of gunpowder in the back.

"Oh, yes!" I jumped forward. "Spare gunpowder, and quite a lot of it too."

"Let's get this stuff before more Twolegs come!" Russetfur yowled.

"There's something I want to check first." I padded over to the Twoleg and patted his pockets until a cigarette lighter fell out. I flicked it open, and the flame glittered dimly in the afternoon sun.

Closing the lighter, I turned to the other cats, who were already beginning to grab the guns. "Make sure to get the bullets... and that bag of powder, too. It'll be necessary to make these work."

Grabbing the pistol and lighter and hoisting the front end of the rifle on my back, I turned to the others. "Let's get going before the other Twolegs around here realize what happened."

* * *

"So, you have retrieved four more of these guns." Blackstar stated.

"Yes, we have." I replied. "We've also got copious quantities of gunpowder, which asides from being part of these guns is also a very good explosive."

"Very well." Blackstar didn't bat an eye, even though I doubt he knew what I was saying. "Will we be able to use them in battle?"

"Of course." I replied.

"Well then. Snakekit." The leader of ShadowClan's eyes blazed with fierce determination. "We'll invade RiverClan tomorrow at dawn."

"Very well." I dipped my head. "May I suggest we utilize some of the surplus gunpowder to our advantage?"

"How so?"

"We can cause explosions at various parts of the battlefield when we wish." I began tracing with my claw on the dusty floor of Blackstar's den. "I was actually planning for invading ThunderClan, not RiverClan, but I can easily adapt my plan. Let me show you what I mean..."

* * *

"You're going to be going into battle?" Fernheart was horrified, and turned to face Blackstar. "You can't just send my son into battle! He's not even an apprentice!"

"I wanna battle too!" whined Redkit.

"Redkit, get back to your den!" Anger ignited within Fernheart. "You can't just-"

"I have made my decision, Fernheart." I replied coldly. "I will be necessary for this battle seeing as I planned it all out."

"Blackstar, you-"

"You are dismissed, Fernheart." Blackstar turned to me. "When you are ready, Snakekit, we will give the Clan the battle plan."


	8. Heil Snakekit!

**A/N: I realize it has been over a month since I last updated, but this is nothing compared to how long it's been since I updated some of my other stuff. Besides, judging from my younger brother's reaction when I let him proofread this chapter, it should be well worth the wait.**

 **On another note, you may have noticed that I have made a new cover image. It's meant to be Snakekit with a gun.**

 **Finally, a warning: This chapter will contain a few references to Nazi Germany.**

I could not sleep the night before the attack on RiverClan. I was kept awake by my own probably semi-deluded fantasies of taking over so much territory. I was kept awake by my other, non-conquering plans on benefiting life for the cats under my control. I was kept awake by schemes to expand into Twoleg-held territory.

But most of all, I was kept awake by one, single, perplexing question:

"How many chapters has it been since I've broken the fourth wall?" I wondered aloud.

"None, because you just did." hissed Redkit, suddenly remarkably knowledgeable about the fact that we only existed in the words of a Warriors fanfiction. "Although at least this instance of it doesn't feel forced like all the other ones. Now shut up and go to sleep."

"Nein." I replied, trying to do a Hitler salute and failing because I had no arms, just legs, and even besides that cat biology prevented me from raising my front leg high enough, and then falling over on my side. "Dammit."

"I don't care if you have nine days or nine minutes or nine seconds, you and Blackstar spent until moonhigh planning it, now Go. To. Sleep."

"Nein." I replied again, saluting with my tail and only half-managing.

Redkit clouted me over the ear. "GO TO SLEEP!" she yowled, waking everyone in the den and making them all understandably angry. As a result, she was exiled to the Dark Forest and-

No, just kidding. Though I wish that could have happened. Actually, everyone just growled at her for a few minutes and went back to sleep, including me.

* * *

I was awake about half an hour before the sun rose and decided to walk out to the Thunderpath where construction was going on for the primary and secondary offensives. At the very least I could see how far along they'd gotten, or if they'd even woke up early enough, and if the attack would need to be suspended.

As I walked along the lake's edge, I idly wondered what role the Three would take in this world. I knew that I had entered the series a little before Power of Three, and I was also fairly certain that I had royally messed up the course of Warriors history simply with my newfound influence on the Clan despite being four moons old. Perhaps the Three would serve the same purpose as in canon, but I doubted it, since at some future date I was planning to lead an offensive into the Dark Forest and wipe them out, along with encouraging the Clans to forget about the cats there. Maybe their purpose would be to oppose my megalomania and domination, but I doubted that, too- hadn't everything I'd done so far been for the benefit of the clan?

Most of all, though, I hoped that my existence would, through the butterfly effect, erase Dovewhine- I mean, Dovewing, from existence, and I was prepared to do everything I could to break up Birchfall and Whitewing to accomplish this. Unfortunately, that would eliminate Ivypool from existence, too, but oh well, you can't have everything. I was also hoping to assassinate Ashfur, but he was still a minor problem compared to the least deserving member of the Three.

My mind cycling back to the whole "erase-Dovewhine-from-existence" thing, I wondered if, should I do such a thing, Hollyleaf would get powers, or would someone else? I certainly hoped it would be the former, as Hollyleaf deserved them a lot more than anyone else and quite frankly should have become the deputy at the very least.

 _Eh, stop worrying about the affairs of other Clans._ I scolded myself. _Worry about defeating RiverClan and annexing Alsace-Lorraine- I mean, that piece of land between the Thunderpath and their camp._

Approaching the Thunderpath, I noticed Blackstar up ahead, sitting in front of the little boathouse on the ShadowClan side of the dock and watching the cats work. Clearly the leader was not used to getting up at such hours, as he kept desperately trying to keep himself from yawning, which meant he had to do that weird contorted-face trick. It was pretty funny to watch on a cat.

"Greetings, Blackstar," I said as I padded up beside him.

Blackstar jerked momentarily, startled, but recovered quickly. "Snakekit. Have you come to see how the plan is going?"

"Indeed." I replied. "And it seems to be going quite well."

About five cats were digging a trench along the RiverClan side of the dock, and one more was fitting a catapult (pun intended) created from what we could scrounge in the woods along the back of this to launch flaming bags of gunpowder. Although they weren't big enough to kill anybody, probably, they would temporarily deafen the cats around the impact zone and blind them by kicking up sand and dirt in the explosion. Two more cats were turning over the earth for a few fox-lengths in front of the trenches in order for the explosions to kick up more dirt.

Smokefoot came scurrying up from the front line. "Hello, Snakekit," he meowed, dipping his head. "The trenches are just about finished."

"What about the rear tunnel alongside the lake?" I questioned him.

"That was finished not too long before you arrived." Smokefoot reported.

"What about the catapults and the arsenal of explosives?"

"That was one of the first things we brought out, and they're just about finished."

"Good." I welcomed the sinister smile creeping up on my face, partially born of glee at the plan going right and partially from... okay, fine, it was all glee at the plan working. Screw you.

"All that remains is to ship out the guns and wait for a patrol."

* * *

The patrol in question came along as we had just finished bringing in all of the guns. Rowanclaw was manning the rifle, Smokefoot, Snowbird, and Russetfur each had a pistol, and Oakfur had the shotgun that the Twoleg had originally. I, of course, had the last remaining pistol and the one that I had kept from the very beginning.

The patrol consisted of three warriors and an apprentice- I doubt you want me to waste your time reading off their descriptions.

Strapping the gun to my back on the holster for it which I had also taken from the Twoleg nest earlier and just not mentioned up until now because screw continuity, I strolled confidently up to the patrol alongside Blackstar.

"Blackstar, what is the meaning of this?" snarled the leader of the patrol. "Are you trying to start a war?"

"On the contrary," I interrupted, stepping forwards smoothly, "we wish to avoid war if at all possible. We now lay claim to all territory from here to the stream about half along it, then a straight line from there to the lake. There are the new boundaries, and you will accept them."

The patrol's leader looked like he was doing everything in his power to keep from falling on the ground and laughing. "Really, Blackstar? Is your clan so weak you rely on a kit to make these decisions for you?"

"If he were not too young and wished to become a medicine cat, I would have made him a warrior already!" Blackstar snarled. My eyes widened at this statement, and I was truly touched by his confidence in me. "We have set a new boundary. You will abide by it or I cannot say how many of your warriors will die or be wounded by the new power he has brought to us. Do you hear me, Reedwhisker? Accept the new boundary, or fight for it. Those are your only options."

"And if I were you, I would lean towards the former." I added. Gesturing with my tail, I asked, "Do you see this? We have several more of them, and your Clan has none. Nobody has to be injured if you choose to back down. If you don't..." I left the sentence there, and the implications with it hung in the air, unspoken but known by all of us.

Reedwhisker did not scoff this time. Although he showed no outward signs, his eyes were widened and I could sense a subtle, small amount of fear scent rising from him. Turning to the youngest member of the patrol, he whispered, "Pebblepaw, go back to the Clan and tell Leopardstar about this."

Eyes wide and frightened, the apprentice nodded and tore off, leaving lingering fear scent in his wake.

Adopting a battle-ready position, Reedwhisker continued, "We will fight for this land! It is ours!"

"Very well." My grin was feral. "Come and take it back, then."

Blackstar and I retreated to the trench.

"Did you really mean it?" I asked as we neared the trench. "What you said to those RiverClan cats about me, I mean?"

"Of course." Blackstar replied. "You have more sense and cunning than half the warriors in any of the Clans surrounding us."

"I'm not sure that's a compliment, actually," I joked, "but I am touched nonetheless."

We jumped down into the trench, and I turned to the first cat I saw, who happened to be Rowanclaw.

"Well?" Rowanclaw asked.

"They didn't let us have it." I confirmed.

Smokefoot rolled his eyes. "Did you honestly think they would?"

"No." I confessed. "But if they feel like they did have a choice, the guilt knowing that they could have prevented it will weigh them down and serve to effectively demoralize them, possibly allowing us to take more territory in the future, maybe even up to the stream." Peering up over the trench, I saw the three warriors making their way forward, bewildered at the chopped-up earth in front of them. "It's basic psychology, really."

Ducking back into the trench, I was greeted by an array of blank looks. "I just confused you with that statement, didn't I?"

More blank stares.

I sighed. "How about we get back to the topic of the battle?"

"G-good idea." Owlpaw meowed, jumping up out of the trench to the catapult.

"Rowanclaw," I instructed, "shoot whoever crossed the new boundary first. Aim to wound, not kill."

Rowanclaw lifted the barrel up above the top of the trench and sighted through the scope on the top. "This... what did you call it... scope? Whatever it is, it's truly a remarkable thing."

"What's the matter?" jeered a black tom, taking confident steps forwards. "So much for 'new power!' Retreating like that! I don't even think we need to try to take this territory back!" he added to his clanmates, making sure we could hear.

I held my breath. One more step and he would be over the line...

Blackclaw set his paw over the boundary.

Rowanclaw squeezed the trigger gently.

The gun banged, and a small puff of smoke rose from the trench. The black tom collapsed, blood flowing from a wound on his leg, howling in pain.

"Blackclaw!" the last warrior, a tortoiseshell she-cat, yowled, bending down besides the tom and peering at his leg. "It looks like he was hit with... a rock or something..." She circled his form to inspect it better. "It's like there was a hole blown right through him..." One of her paws went over the border.

Rowanclaw fired again, and she collapsed, too, blood spurting from a hole torn in her leg. This bullet seemed to have lodged in her leg instead of going through it like with Blackclaw, and if Mothwing couldn't get it out back at the RiverClan camp it would probably be a great hindrance in the future for the unfortunate she-cat.

"Mosspelt! What happened?" Reedwhisker straightened himself, suddenly aware that he was the last of his patrol. His voice carried across the stretch of earth as he muttered, "Great StarClan, I hope Pebblepaw gets back soon."

Clambering up to stand on the edge of the trench, I squeezed off a warning shot, and the bullet ruptured the earth between Reedwhisker's paws. A miniature dust storm erupted in his face from the impact, and he stumbled backwards, pawing at his nose, coughing and sneezing.

"You can still surrender!" I called out.

"Never!" Reedwhisker's valiant cry petered out as he remembered that he was the only one left standing of his patrol.

With a sudden caterwaul, a fresh patrol of RiverClan warriors burst over the horizon. They were eight strong, and Leopardstar was at the head of the patrol.

"Don't fire until they cross the border," I instructed, slithering back into the trench. "And as for Leopardstar, she still has a few lives left, so it doesn't matter if you aim for a more vital area. Just don't hit her head or chest, because even StarClan can't bring her back from that."

I could hear Reedwhisker explaining to a cat whom I presumed was Mothwing that had lingered behind the patrol how Blackclaw and Mosspelt had suddenly been wounded while we stayed in the trench, waiting. Waiting for the first cat to cross the new border.

"Blackstar, what is the meaning of this?" Leopardstar's commanding voice carried across the scarred earth.

"This is our territory now." Blackstar replied coldly. "You have seen what happened to your warriors. Unless you wish the same on all of those you have brought with you, I advise you do not cross the border."

Leopardstar scoffed, but it was cut off short as I drilled a bullet into the ground between her paws. Nevertheless, she rallied her warriors forward with a yowl and took a step over the border.

I took aim and shot into the tail of one of the warriors behind her, and with an anguished squeal he stopped for a moment, then forged forwards with a new fiery determination in his eyes. Determination gave way to pain rather quickly as Snowbird shot him twice, once in each front leg. This time he stayed down for good, and managed to drag himself back over the border somehow.

I didn't pay much attention until Leopardstar, still somehow unscathed asides from a bullet clipping her ear, crossed the second line I'd mentally marked in the dirt at the halfway point across the area we were shooting across.

"Alright, they've crossed the parallel." I yowled. "Cease fire!" Turning to face Owlpaw, who was manning the catapult and looking rather nervous about it, I signaled him to light the sack of powder.

Owlpaw's nerves gave way to determination and he flicked open the lighter I had taken from the Twoleg. The reflected flames dancing in his eyes, he lit the fuse and pulled back on the rope of various plants to launch the bomb.

It coursed through the air, and I winced as I realized that he had overshot his target. But it didn't matter, as it exploded in the air as it coursed over the RiverClan warriors. The blast threw them to the ground, and I heard something snap.

Despite this, Leopardstar and three other warriors pressed onward towards the trenches, and they were getting dangerously close.

"Alright, try to hit them before they get here!" I called out. "If they get within a tail-length of the trenches, we all jump out and engage them in claw-to-claw combat, except Oakfur." Turning to the warrior, I told him, "Oakfur, try and fire at the RiverClan warriors if you can get a clear shot, but remember that you only have two shells in that thing, and we only have two more shells."

We fired at Leopardstar's group, and two more warriors collapsed with blood flowing from their wounds. Oakfur didn't fire, as he hadn't the whole battle, keeping the shells in reserve.

Leopardstar and the one other warrior- I realized it was Mistyfoot as they neared us- crossed the tail-length line.

Turning to Oakfur, Blackstar meowed, "Don't fire. No point as there's only two of them." Oakfur nodded and set down the shotgun, tensing in preparation for the upcoming battle.

"Let's go!" yowled Blackstar, leaping up from the trench, followed by the other cats as they dropped their guns and swarmed up from the trenches. I was just glad that none of the guns had fired on being dropped as I followed Owlpaw over the top.

Blackstar took a swipe at Leopardstar, tearing deep gashes into her nose, while Mistyfoot and Rowanclaw were locked in a screeching tussle as they rolled across the battered earth.

In addition to our rather large numerical advantage, the fact that every other warrior had been incapacitated before even reaching the trenches served as a great demoralizing force for the two warriors, and eventually they broke free and took off for the new border. "You may have won this time," Leopardstar yowled at us, "but we will retake this land!"

"Yeah, whatever." I responded. "Don't let the door hit you in the butt in the way out." Although I doubted she understood what I was saying, she got the disrespectful tone of voice. But instead of spinning to contest it, her tail drooped and she crossed the border.

"Well, that was exciting," I said briskly. "Shall we invade ThunderClan next?"

"If an invasion of their territory would be as effective as this was, then yes." Blackstar responded. "However, we should probably wait some time, at least a moon, before doing so."

I shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat. You're the leader, not me. Shall we head back to camp, then?"

* * *

We reentered the camp to a cacophony of cats yowling in panic and fear, clearly having feared the worst from the sounds of gunshots and explosions.

"What was all of that noise?" screeched Fernheart, racing over towards me. "Snakekit! Snakekit, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I responded, pushing her away as she desperately tried to lick me. "None of us were even hurt."

Blackstar raced up to the overhanging branch he used for announcements to the Clan. "The battle was a success!" he yowled. "We have taken nearly a third of RiverClan's territory without any warriors being injured thanks to Snakekit's genius plan."

Redkit attempted the same salute I had the night before. "Heil Snakekit!" she called out sarcastically, although I don't think she was 100% sure what she was saying. However, the cry was soon taken up by most of the rest of the Clan, not at all in a sarcastic way.

 _I'm not sure if I should try to explain the concept of Hitler to them or just pretend they're saying 'Hail.'_ I thought, somewhat uncomfortable with practically the entire Clan chanting my name.

"Before this meeting is adjourned, though," Blackstar continued, "there is something I must do."

The chanting stopped, and all of the cats turned their attention to the leader.

"Snakekit, step forwards."

I complied, my heartbeat thundering in my ears. _Is he really going to...?_

"In today's battle, you have shown cunning and cleverness in amounts comparable to that of a full-grown warrior." Blackstar addressed me. "Therefore, despite your young age, I have decided that you may become an apprentice. I have already spoken with Littlecloud and he has been quite agreeable to taking you on as an apprentice."

"Snakekit, from this moment on until you receive your medicine cat name, you will be known as Snakepaw."

Although I could see his mouth moving, the blood roaring in my ears and adrenaline pulsing through my body obscured the rest of Blackstar's speech. Or maybe that's just the author's excuse because he's too lazy to look up the medicine cat apprentice ceremony and can't remember the rest of it.

Littlecloud stepped forward, and I lifted my nose up to touch his. _From this moment on,_ I thought, _I am not just some kit that the warriors have to struggle to take seriously. I am the medicine cat apprentice, and they MUST treat me with respect._

 _And,_ I added mentally as I stepped back, _it is just one more step on the path to domination of the Clan._

 **A/N: Well, that is by far the longest chapter I've written not just in this story but for anything in my life, I think. Digital cookies to those who can figure out which historical battle the one depicted here against RiverClan is a reference to.**


	9. StarClan Force-Feeds Me LSD

**A/N: I'm probably going to end up renaming this story either "The Troll" or "The Third ShadowClan Reich." Please tell me in the reviews which one you think I should go with.**

It was a short amount of time later, which I shall not bother to tell you how long it was because... okay, I forgot. Screw you.

Anyway, a short amount of time later Littlecloud took me to the Moonpool to be initiated as a medicine cat.

On our journey, we ran into Leafpool and, to my surprise, a small black she-cat, although I quickly figured out who she was simply judging by the time period.

"Hello, Littlecloud. Who is this?" Leafpool asked.

Littlecloud dipped his head. "This is my new apprentice, Snakepaw. I see that you also have taken an apprentice?"

Leafpool nodded. "This is Hollypaw."

"Hello, Hollypaw." I meowed formally to her.

"Aren't you a little small to be an apprentice?" Hollypaw looked slightly unnerved by this clear violation of the warrior code.

"I'm four moons old," I admitted, "but due to special circumstances which you'll probably hear about at the next Gathering I became an apprentice early."

I could tell from the look in Hollypaw's eyes that she didn't give a single ounce of fox dung about special circumstances, I should still be in the nursery because I'm only four moons old, dammit, but nevertheless she conceded in the form of turning away and walking on towards the Moonpool.

After Leafpool went through the whole medicine-cat-initiation thing with Hollypaw, during which I considered telling her that it was her destiny to become a warrior but decided against it, it was my turn.

"Snakepaw, is it your wish to enter the mysteries of StarClan as a medicine cat?" asked Littlecloud.

"It is," I replied, brimming with confidence.

Littlecloud went through the whole presenting me to StarClan thing, and then we sat at the side of the Moonpool and drank from its clear, tranquil waters.

Everything faded around me...

and then I was standing in a forest, alone.

"Hello?" I called nervously.

"Snakepaw, what have you done?"

I whipped around. Two cats were standing there, and although I didn't know their names I could guess that one was Raggedstar from his ragged pelt and that the other was Sagewhisker because I couldn't remember any other white ShadowClan cats. (That sounded racist...)

"I've done what you brought me here for." I replied, jutting my chin defiantly. "I'm benefiting my Clan by introducing new technology to them."

"The purpose of bringing you here," Raggedstar snarled, "was to redeem Twolegs for their actions, not for the Clans to become Twolegs in their violence and barbarity!"

"Relax, Raggy." I waved a paw disdainfully. "I'm going to be introducing other beneficial technologies that aren't for war, the whole guns thing was just to make Blackstar trust that I could do these things so I can spread other innovations."

"You will still be corrupting the warrior Clans irreparably with your actions." the cat I thought was Sagewhisker but I wasn't quite sure about meowed. "Regardless of what you seek, you will make them into Twolegs and assimilate with them."

"Don't be ridiculous." I laughed then. "I'm going to lead my adopted species in extermination of my former species."

Both cats were shocked into silence by this.

"I can't become a human again, can I?" I asked. "Because you did kill me to bring me here, after all. If I can't become a Twoleg again, then there's no point in being nice to them, now is there?"

"Really?" Raggedstar was now truly amazed. "You will do this?"

"I'll get as close as I can get." I assured him.

"I don't know what to say, truthfully." Sagewhisker or whoever she was meowed.

"Here, child," Raggedstar suddenly butted in, "watch this sudden slideshow of the future that will probably have no relevance to the plot in the end and the author will have to end up changing for continuity or leave it like this for humor."

Before I could even begin to construct a coherent response to this, I was whisked away into the void.

I saw nothing, although I heard many things, which I shall try to list below.

"The destruction has gone through quite successfully..."

"Hail ShadowClan!"

And thousands of paws smashed against the ground in unison.

"This new experiment promises to be very, very interesting. What do you think, Blackstar?"

"I think we're being spammed."

"What is this new thing you have captured?"

And from there on it all sucked into a maelstrom of noise until I felt I might scream in pain-

* * *

Then I woke up.

"Well, Snakepaw?" Littlecloud prompted as we left the Moonpool. "Did you see anything?"

"I feel like I've just recovered from a wild LSD high," I moaned, reeling back and forth. "Thank StarClan this chapter is only filler that the author wrote because he was bored and this'll all be over soon."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Snakepaw..."

"Yeah, of course you don't."


	10. A Timeskip, Object and I Eat Your Face

The Gathering rolled around pretty soon, in two quarter-moons actually, and it was relatively uneventful. Leopardstar nearly flipped her shit at Blackstar when he gloated just a little bit about how much territory we took, but a few glares from Onestar was enough to make her calm down.

During the end of the Gathering, I found myself chatting with Hollypaw. She seemed a little more at ease with my youth but almost flipped out when I mentioned taking Twoleg things to conquer territory. "But that's supposed to be against the warrior code!" she screeched.

So I recited the warrior code from heart. "There's nothing in there about not stealing guns from Twolegs and using them to shoot RiverClan." I pointed out.

"You almost killed Blackclaw with infection from those things." Mothwing pointed out, coming up behind us, and I nearly jumped seven feet in the air. (Thank StarClan I didn't, because that would make me a Gary-Stu. Powers, yo.)

"He deserves it, considering how bigoted he was towards ThunderClan in the first series arc." I pointed out.

They both stared at me like I had bees in my brain.

"Welp, I'm going back to camp." I swung around in the direction of the fallen tree. "See you around, fellow medicine cats!"

And then I tripped and fell. Rocks dug into my side, and with a hiss of annoyance I sprung up, blood flowing from my side. Bending down to lick it, I grazed my tongue on a piece of rock and swore loudly and profanely. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm a goddamn prickly pear." I said in a perfect combination of Nick Cage and that captain guy from World War Z's voices.

Everyone stared at me.

"Well, this is awkward." I sighed. "Now would be a perfect time for Ashfur to spontaneously combust."

And then there was a shriek and flame burst upward from the edge of the clearing.

"Called it!" I shouted.

* * *

Unfortunately, Ashfur didn't die. He just was a little singed.

Therefore, I don't have powers. If I did, he would have died there.

* * *

And now I'll do a timeskip because let's face it, you don't really want to hear about a boring two-moon-long period in which absolutely nothing happened, except for that daylight Gathering thing, and that was practically identical to canon except some RiverClan warriors weren't there because they were wounded.

C'mon, seriously, nothing happened. Besides, I wasn't there, and seeing as this is told in first person I'd only be able to relate what my newly-apprenticed sister told me. At any rate, that was only Redpaw whining that she didn't win anything.

* * *

A few days after the daylight Gathering, I decided it was time to pioneer another innovation and asked Blackstar to call a Clan meeting.

It didn't take long to explain the concept of writing to everyone, although explaining the alphabet was a little harder, and eventually I decided to simplify it by doing away with capitalization, combining "c" and "k," and getting rid of the "u after q" rule. Since I was somehow writing in perfect Comic Sans, that made everything look even worse.

No, that doesn't mean that the rest of this story will be with no caps and bad spelling. I won't give you opportunity to poke fun at this anymore than you already do.

Anyway, although the elders didn't seem too interested (but when does anything except food, sleep, and mouse bile interest those geezers?), some of the younger warriors like Smokefoot seemed interested, as well as all of the apprentices except one.

Bet you can't guess who.

Yes, it was Redpaw. I seriously think she was contemplating urinating on my diagram, but seeing as she didn't want to urinate on any cats she stormed off to the dirtplace instead.

In recent quarter-moons, Redpaw had grown jealous of my innovations, quick apprenticeship, and reverence by practically the whole Clan. I realized that she just wanted to be "special" like me, but c'mon, Ivypool and Hollyleaf took the news that they didn't have powers fairly well, and Redpaw was just acting like Dovewhine II, except said annoying she-cat wasn't born yet and wouldn't be if I had a say in the matter, so... Yeah, I'm rambling again.

The point is Redpaw hated me and my inventions.

I taught the alphabet to most of the interested cats before sunfall, and the next morning most of them had remembered it. It took about a quarter-moon to teach everyone in the Clan except the elders, and during this time Littlecloud and I went to the Moonpool again and Raggy and that white she-cat were a little angry at me for spreading more Twoleg stuff. Oh, well, you can never have everyone like you.

The main reason I introduced writing was so that we could record history and thus learn from our mistakes without having the tales of the past distorted by moons of being retold and exaggerated, although I also had plans for a postal system working through underground pneumatic chutes. It would also make it much easier for the cats building some of my bigger projects since I could just draw a blueprint or write instructions.

Anyway, after the cats I taught all aced their literacy tests, I got Blackstar to ask the other Clan leaders if they'd be fine having ShadowClan cats teach them how to read and write. Leopardstar was still butthurt about the Battle of Alsace-Lorraine Minor (see Chapter 8: Heil Snakekit!) and refused, but Onestar and Firestar both tentatively accepted on the logic that one cat wouldn't be able to learn much about the territory or launch an attack by themselves.

Another moon passed. ThunderClan and WindClan returned the cats we had leased them with high praise for our program, and Leopardstar finally grudgingly agreed to have her Clan be taught to read and write. Firestar himself said that from now on he was going to be incorporating reading and writing into the apprentice training program from now on.

* * *

Although my first few tests sending pneumatic chutes from one side of the territory to the other only gave me ideas for new explosives, I finally managed to send an intact capsule containing a letter (which had been written on a leaf with a burnt stick in lieu of a pencil and paper) from the exterior of the territory to the camp.

My triumphant laughter echoed throughout the camp.

At the next Gathering, Blackstar proposed that tunnels be dug for these chutes to pass through. Firestar was all for it, while Onestar was a bit iffy about it until we assured him that cats wouldn't be able to crawl through them for an invasion plan. Leopardstar, _still_ butthurt about the annexation by ShadowClan, said a very naughty thing which I had accidentally said at the last Gathering, and it seemed that it had even spread into RiverClan despite their new hatred for anything and everything ShadowClan.

It's no wonder Blackstar asked me to help him with invasion plans the next day, although I told him we should wait until _after_ the tunnels were dug and then attack them by forging evidence for prey stealing, and he saw the logic in that.

Anyway, that's about the end of this semi-time-skip thing, because soon things are gonna get REALLY interesting.


	11. Not a Trollfic Anymore

**A/N: So, in general, people seem to prefer "The Third ShadowClan Reich" for the new title. You've got until the next chapter if you want to tell me otherwise.**

Something I glossed over last chapter: as in canon, Jaypaw became the medicine cat of ThunderClan and Hollypaw went to being a warrior. Just so you know.

Anyway, it was about three quarter-moons after the Gathering and the tunnels to send mail were roughly have done. Mostly WindClan cats did the digging, because let's face it, they're the only ones who like being underground. I did try helping dig for a bit because I was small enough at six moons, but dirt got in my nostrils pretty quickly and I retreated back to the medicine den.

"Oh, hello, Snakepaw," Littlecloud meowed as I padded back in. "Would you mind helping me sort these herbs alphabetically?"

"No problem." We had already moved the herbs out of their typical niches, which I had labelled A-F, G-O, and P-Z in perfect Comic Sans.

Picking up a bundle of comfrey in my mouth, I placed it approximately in the middle of the A-F niche.

"What would make life better would be having a computer." I muttered to myself. "But we don't have a generator..."

"Snakepaw, what are you talking about?" Littlecloud asked in puzzlement. "Is this another innovation you just came up with."

"Yes." I replied.

Suddenly, I remembered something from my Twoleg days.

Specifically, a book.

 _Lest Darkness Fall,_ it had been called. The author had some unpronounceable French name. We'd read it in English class, but despite that I found myself liking it.

The general idea had been that a historian named Martin Padway had been thrown backwards to immediately after the fall of the Roman Empire. Known as Martinus Paduei to everyone in the past, he introduced new technology like double-entry bookkeeping, Arabic numerals, newspapers, and so on, and eventually managed to avert the Dark Ages through his actions.

And that was a parallel to my situation, wasn't it? I was trapped "back in time," albeit in the past of the Warriors series, knowing everything that was to come, and being able to help my adopted group with my knowledge of the future as well as the technology I was able to pioneer.

And then with a chill I remembered a short story with a similar premise I had read on my own called "The Man who Came Early." The main character had gone back in time to 10th century Iceland but made several blunders because his knowledge and customs did not fit in to that time and finally was killed without changing history much at all.

 _What if I end up like that?_ I thought, and shivered.

"Snakepaw, are you okay?" Littlecloud asked.

"I need to change everything." I whispered, and tore out of the den.

* * *

My pistol clenched between my teeth, I pelted across the edge of ShadowClan territory. _I need to change what I can while I'm still alive. Up to now I've been obsessed with trivialities like new weapons and territorial expansion... such a fool. I need to change history for the better, and what better way to throw everything into reverse than taking out a key target?_

 _And I'll need help to do it._

I peered in through the windows of a few houses before remembering the one where we'd stolen the guns from.

It was empty, the windows dark, a "FOR SALE" sign in the front yard.

 _Let's hope there's still something here..._ I managed to wriggle in through an open window with some difficulty and dropped on to the floor.

The house was eerily silent, almost all of the curtains drawn. All of the furniture was gone. The empty feeling of the house filled me with trepidation.

There was nothing worth taking on the bottom floor, so I ventured upstairs.

In the bedroom where we'd killed the Twoleg, there was a police officer standing there.

"Holy shit!" I shouted in surprise. _Why's there a policeman there? Wouldn't that Twoleg's murder case have gone cold already or have been written off as a suicide or something?_

The officer swung around in surprise. He said something, but I couldn't understand it. I knew it was something along the lines of, "Aw, look at the little kitten," though.

Then he seemed to notice my gun for the first time and screamed, but I was quicker. I pulled the trigger and the bullet smashed into his shoulder. He fell over to the ground, blood dripping from the wound. He quickly lost consciousness.

I winced as I realized that I'd just probably crippled him for life. _Might as well search him._ I found a service pistol and a Taser, as well as a set of handcuffs and a walkie-talkie. I took the first three but left the last. Jumping onto him, I carefully tore the fabric on his shirt with one claw to spell the word, "sorry."

Turning on his walkie-talkie, I did my best impression of a human scream into it, then raced down the stairs. _Maybe his police friends will help him out._

I heard the door open as I left the way I came.

* * *

"What's this stuff?" Blackstar asked me as I dumped the handcuffs in front of him.

"We can use these on prisoners." I explained. "We simply clasp this part around them and attach the other part to a tree or something, and there won't be any need for a guard."

Blackstar pawed at the handcuffs. "Interesting. Thank you, Snakepaw. You are dismissed."

Grabbing my new Taser from the medicine den, I exited the camp with it clasped in my teeth. Snowbird dipped her head to me as I left. "What's that?" she asked.

"It's called a Taser." I told her. "I'll explain when I get back."

It took a short amount of time to get to the ThunderClan border, and hesitantly I crossed it. Heart pounding, I crept into a tree and waited.

I waited a long time. To this day I'm still not sure how long. All I know is that eventually Ashfur passed under me, alone. He was presumably tracking prey, judging by his position. He looked quite retarded from my aerial position.

 _It's time._ I pounced down behind him and fired the Taser at him.

Ashfur groaned in pain as the electrifying power smashed into him. After a few moments, with a sigh he fell to the ground.

Hiding the Taser in the bushes, I grabbed him by the scruff in my teeth and dragged him down to the lakeside. He was a lot heavier than I expected, and I had to stop several times.

As I reached the shore, he stirred and moaned. I knew I had to act fast and shoved him into the water, kicking at his body to make it drift farther away.

Watching in satisfaction, I saw him drift further to the center of the lake, slowly sinking. By the time he woke up, if he even did, it would be much too late for him.

* * *

I didn't explain the Taser to Snowbird when I got back because she didn't ask again. She apparently didn't care.

* * *

The next Gathering came and of course I was there.

Firestar was pontificating on and on, and I was only listening to him with one ear, more focused on my future plans.

"Finally, one of our warriors, Ashfur, has disappeared." Firestar finished.

My ears perked up. _Let's see if you have anything to say about that._

"He was last seen a quarter-moon ago on a hunting patrol near the lake."

Firestar didn't say anything else useful, so I ignored him.

Blackstar didn't have much to say, either. This was somewhat good.

Onestar only commented on fertile hunting conditions and new apprentices, but since he was talking in such a boring voice I ignored him, too.

Then it was Leopardstar's turn. She stepped up to the edge of her branch. "RiverClan is-" she started, but never finished.

A gunshot rang out in the night.

Leopardstar tottered on her branch for a moment, then plummeted down to the ground. She impacted near to me, close enough for me to see the entry wound of a bullet right under her chin... and the grotesque exit wound atop her head.

Chaos erupted.

Cats were yowling and screeching every which way. I couldn't hear or see a thing for the throbbing mass of pelts around me.

Dark clouds passed over the moon.

"StarClan is angry!" somebody screeched.

I turned to Littlecloud with wide eyes. "Who did this?" I yowled.

"I don't know!" Littlecloud looked just as confused as me. "No ShadowClan warrior would do this... right? But if they didn't, that means somebody else got a gun somewhere."

The moon's light was totally obscured, and even the stars were beginning to be covered.

" _So who did this?_ "

 **A/N: Well, nobody expected THAT, did you? You thought this was an only semi-serious trollfic/crackfic/ordinary fanfic, didn't you? Well, now you're wrong! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (laughs maniacally for several hours)**

 **No, seriously, though, who do you think assassinated Leopardstar? Please say in the reviews.**


	12. Hollypaw is Granted Emergency Powers

**A/N: So I only just realized this, but this fic is over a year old now.**

 **That means that I've been updating, on average, with less than a chapter a month.**

 **Um.**

 **Sorry for not updating quicker.**

* * *

"I wonder who killed Leopardstar?" Redpaw pondered as we headed back to the camp, apparently having gotten over her hatred of me to ask me this simple question.

"Dunno." I replied. "I'm just hoping that somebody won't accept Mistyfoot's leadership of RiverClan so there'll be the whole power vacuum thing and we'll be able to step in, take over half of RiverClan, and then establish Vichy RiverClan with a new camp at the Gathering island, because let's face it, we can find a new Gathering place."

Redpaw glared at me funny. "You're not even showing the slightest remorse for a great Clan leader being _dead_?"

"Surprisingly, no." I replied. "Also, the author should have made that question mark in your last bit of dialogue in italics too."

"Whet?" Redpaw had now apparently succumbed to the effects of the auto-correct on the author's dumbass cell phone, and he hadn't bothered to correct it because it's funny. Yes, the author is writing this chapter on his cell phone. So sue him.

"Is what your pants are."

"What're pants?"

"Eh, forget it, they're overrated anyways."

"Snakepaw, could you make sense for once in your diddly damn life?"

"Possibly. I just don't feel like it."

* * *

Sadly, no power vacuum was to be had, and Mistystar took control of RiverClan very soon. Reedwhisker was, in this altered timeline, probably too young to be a deputy, but somehow he was appointed to the position anyway.

I'm not quite sure how Mothwing felt about the whole thing, but she was probably uber-pissed.

Naturally, because a gun had killed Leopardstar, all of the other Clans were baying for ShadowClan blood. Even the ever-optimistic Firestar was apparently telling his patrols to look at us funny whenever they saw ShadowClan cats.

And as for the next time I went to the Moonpool...

Well, that is something very different.

* * *

Littlecloud and I met up with Leafpool and Jaypaw on the way to the Moonpool. Naturally, Leafpool started talking about herbs with my mentor, and Jaypaw and I fell behind.

Jaypaw blinked owlishly at me, and I got that creepy feeling that he was looking at me even though he was blind.

"Hollypaw says you're to blame for Leopardstar's death." he said, and I got the feeling that he was looking for a fight. Why, I don't know. Angsty blind main character issues and whatever, I guess. _Maybe I should figure out a way to bring Half Moon back to mellow him out after he actually meets her... if he meets her in this altered world, that is. But then this'd be veering more onto the fix-fic path, and the author's trying to subvert that trope by killing off Leopardstar._

Well, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. "Oh, undeniably." I replied coolly. "I'm an anomaly to the timeline, you know. Everything that's happened differently since my birth is my fault, y'know."

Startled, Jaypaw began to speak, and I butted in quickly, "Also, I know about the Power of Three prophecy."

Now the gray meddy apprentice was truly flabbergasted. "Wh-wh...What..." he sputtered.

"I'm special, y'know." I said. "Not with powers or anything, but because I know what's going to happen before it does." Only part of this was true, but the butterfly effect appeared to be both wankish and repressed at the same time in this AU. "By the way, if you don't want to suffer a fate worse than death, don't let Birchfall and Whitewing have kits. Trust me on that one."

Jaypaw looked like I'd just dropped a boulder on him.

"And, please keep quiet about this." I continued. "Or I'll..." I chuckled darkly. "Let's just say that I know all of your darkest secrets, and we'll let your imagination fill in the gaps."

He didn't have a chance to respond, because this was the point when we finally reached the Moonpool. The other medicine cats were already there, waiting for us.

I didn't need any prompting to bend by the surface of the shimmering water and lap a few crystal, cold droplets. The other meds followed suit.

* * *

"You!"

I whipped around.

Raggedstar and that white she-cat that I still wasn't sure whether she was Sagewhisker or not were standing there, along with a black tom whom I could infer was Nightstar, because I couldn't think of any other black ShadowClan cats. I'm such a terrible racist person. Comes from growing up in North Carolina and then getting your ass hauled out to Missouri later, I guess...

...That's my backstory, not the author's. He refuses to disclose his location because there are stalkers everywhere.

"So, let's just make everything clear." I turned to the white she-cat. "You're Sagewhisker, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Good, now the author can stop referring to you as 'that white she-cat that I don't know whether she's Sagewhisker or not.' And you're Nightstar, right?"

"Yes-"

"Good, now the author can stop sounding semi-racist when he's talking about you." I sat down on my rear on the cool grass and furled my tail over my forepaws. "Where were you in your obviously pre-prepared speech?"

Slightly shaken by my breach of etiquette, Raggedstar meowed, "You, Snakepaw, have ruined everything!"

I scoffed. "Tell me something I don't know. If this is about Leopardstar, then I'm sorry about that. I take full responsibility for the incident."

"As you should!" that white she-cat that I- Oh, right, it was confirmed a few paragraphs back that she's Sagewhisker, I can stop calling her that.

"But more importantly," Nightstar picked up where Raggy had left off, "you've also completely changed the destiny of the Three. Jaypaw will now reveal the prophecy to his littermates ahead of time. In addition to this, he will heed your warning earlier. The third cat of the prophecy will now not exist!"

"Good, I did the world a favor right there." I replied.

Raggy glared at me. "Now there are only two cats in the prophecy!"

"Uh, ya know, you could just grant emergency powers to Hollyleaf or something." I replied.

All three cats had clearly never come up with that idea, judging by the expressions on their faces.

"Very well, then," Nightstar spat, "We may as well do that, seeing as you have given us no alternative. Since you are so wise and smart," he continued mockingly, "what would you suggest her power be?"

I actually had to think about it for a moment. "Extreme loyalty to the warrior code would be a sucky power, let's face it, and besides that she already has that 'power,' if you would call it that..." I mused. "I remember back in the days when I was new to the Warriors fandom and _Sunrise_ was still gonna be called _Cruel Season_ someone mentioned on either a TvTropes WMG or a discussion on the Wiki, I can't remember which, that each of the Three's powers should correspond to the realms of spirit, mind, and body."

All three cats had no idea what I was talking about, judging by the expressions on their faces.

"Jaypaw's power corresponds to Spirit, and Lionpaw's to Body, so Hollypaw's should correspond to Mind." I continued. "She is already the diplomat of the Three, sort of, and that was directly stated by Rock in _Cats of the Clans_. So let's expand that ability. Make her the incarnation of diplomacy. Give her that ability to solve any confrontation, sensibly end any dispute, et cetera. That, I think, would suit her perfectly. Also, you guys should guide her pawsteps towards succeeding Firestar, since you really missed the chance there in the original timeline."

Standing briskly, I finished, "So that's just my input. Any questions, or shall I ring the end-of-class bell?"

All three cats seemed to think that I was more than a little insane, although I was probably making sense for a bit there, judging by the expressions on their faces.

Yes. That's three times that the author has began a sentence with the words "all three cats" and ended with "judging by the expressions on their faces." That was intentional for humor. I don't like it either.

"Look, you gotta admit it was a good idea before I descended into Twolegisms." I sighed.

All three cats were expressionless, judging by the expressions on their faces...

SCREW YOU, AUTHOR! STOP STARTING AND ENDING SO MANY SENTENCES THE SAME FRICKIN' WAY! IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT-

 _*brzt*_

 _A calm, automated feminine voice begins to speak._

 ** _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._ _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._**

 _A loud yowling sounds in the background as Snakepaw bursts from the computer with intent to seriously mutilate the author for daring to downgrade his style for humor. Luckily, the author keeps an old metal baseball bat in his room for security reasons. You never know when the undead will come knocking at your door._

 _It's strange that nobody else in the house is noticing this confrontation. Then again, nobody ever notices anything in this world till the problem is biting their rear off._

 ** _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._ _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._**

 _The sounds of a furious fight can be heard in the distance. It seems that the author is winning, largely because Snakepaw forgot his gun. However, Snakepaw_ does _have waffles through the assistance of the gods of MLG._

 _Waffles will not help in this situation, though. This is because the author is in the middle of a growth spurt and needs as much nourishment as he can get._

 ** _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._ _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._**

 _The sound of a kitten being forcibly stuffed back inside the internets where he came from is heard. Damn, the author's lack of creativity is lagging over even into this... thing._

 _Whatever this thing is._

 ** _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having technical difficulties._ _Please excuse this interruption. The main character is having-_**

 ** _The main character is back online. Thank you for your patience._**

What. What? WHAT!

I'm fine! Don't look at me like that!

* * *

Everyone stared at me as I was hurled back into the story forcibly.

"What in StarClan's name just happened?" demanded Jaypaw.

"Meh powers happened, that's what." I replied. "Geeeeeeeeeettttttt dunked on."

 **But didn't you just get dunked on by-**

Hey! When'd the author start interrupting this story?

 **Since now.**

You know, your readers are probably going to think this is a giant asspull?

 **Probably.**

And you don't care?

 **Nope.**

I hate you.

 **I can live with that.**

"Snakepaw, what are you doing?" Littlecloud asked.

"I'm directing my internal monologue at the author, since the jerkass doesn't know when to leave the story alone!"

 _ **Do you wanna have a bad time?**_

No! Shut the hell up!

"Who's the author?" asked Mothwing.

"Some douche named VolcanicPizza who apparently thinks he needs to change the story mechanics he's established from the beginning by _shattering the goddamn fourth wall_ and inserting himself into MY story! And it's all just for the lolz because he thinks people will laugh at it!"

 **They probably will... I think...**

"No! They won't!"

 **oh...**

 **oh no...**

"There, at least HE'S gone." I sighed. "Nobody mentions this incident- we'll call it the Fourth Wall Gets Nuked Incident- to ANYONE, you hear?"

Jaypaw was staring at me with wide eyes. Impressive since he's blind. "I don't believe it." he whispered. "You've got another power!"

"What?"

"The power to make absolutely ZERO sense and sound like a freakin' dingus!" the gray tom laughed cynically.

"If you didn't have such a well-thought out character arc in the Power of Three arc I'd rip your throat out!"

* * *

Don't.

Say.

A.

Goddamn.

Thing.

* * *

 **A/N: If anybody's interested-**

 **Snakepaw: Nobody'll be interested in whatever shit you've got planned!**

 **VP: Since when did you start getting involved in my A/Ns?**

 **Snakepaw: Since you started invading my story!**

 **VP: We shall settle this later...**

 **As I was saying, if anyone's interested I started another semi-serious semi-analogue-based story called "The Trans-Forest War: All Quiet on the River" a few days ago. Somehow, Tallstar becomes King George V of England, sort of, and Firestar is a kittypet immigrant from Mexico. Sort of.**

 **It makes sense in context.**


	13. The Three are Terrible Spies

**A/N: So apparently "The Third ShadowClan Reich" is good enough to make it onto TvTropes.**

 **That's actually pretty cool.**

 **Also, for those of you who haven't, you should check out Warriors Redux on Tumblr. Warriors rewritten, now with more worldbuilding, more character development, more weird maggotty Twoleg beasts that eat kits... wait, what?**

"Can I go out of camp by myself for a moment?" I asked.

Littlecloud nodded. Apparently he thought I'd got over the Moonpool incident a quarter-moon ago. "Yes, but why?"

"I wanna take the kindergartners to Auschwitz for a... field trip. Mua ha ha ha..."

"What?"

"I just fancy a nice walk, is all." I corrected myself hastily.

"Very well, but be back by sunset."

"I will," I replied, striding confidently from the camp.

Camp.

Concentration camp.

 _No, what the hell are you thinking?_ I scolded myself as I strode confidently towards the ThunderClan border. _Are you some kinda neo-Nazi or something?_

 _Probably not,_ I finished, after some fierce internal debate. _Cats don't have Nazis, just neo-TigerClanners._

 _Is that even a thing?_

 _Probably not._

ThunderClan scent marks rose to greet my nose. They smelled weird.

Not bad, just... weird.

Calmly I sat down a fox-length from the border and began washing myself. I didn't even realize I was doing it until after a minute, and with a mental shrug continued anyway. _Not like I got any better way to do this. Unless, that is, I'd like to..._

With a shiver, I dismissed that terrible image.

Then I heard it.

A soft _crunch,_ as if someone had accidentally stepped on a leaf.

I sighed. "All right," I meowed. "You can come out. I know you're there."

Lionpaw, Hollypaw, and Jaypaw tumbled out from behind a bush on the ThunderClan border. "You shouldn't have tried to move because you were uncomfortable!" Jaypaw hissed at Lionpaw.

"Care to explain why you were spying on me?" I asked calmly.

"Uh..." Hollypaw didn't seem to have an answer.

"I told them about the prophecy." Again, I got that creepy feeling that Jaypaw was looking at me even though he was blind. "I also told them what you told me."

"Good." I figured it wouldn't hurt to drop a Vader line. "So... you have accepted the truth."

Lionpaw glared at me. "How do we know that you're 'special' like you claim to be?"

I actually thought that was pretty funny. "I'm the one who gave ShadowClan guns, pioneered writing and reading, and set up those mail chutes! And you ask that? Just... wow. I didn't think you were lacking in brains as well as personality."

Lionpaw didn't get it... and then he did. "HEY!" he yowled.

I snickered.

"We're here to get a competent explanation from you, not hear you insult us." Hollypaw meowed, trying to defuse the situation.

"Oh, dear." I sighed melodramatically. "You want a _competent_ explanation... I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere."

"How about an incompetent explanation, then?" Lionpaw asked, still smarting from the comment I made earlier.

"Ah," I cried jubilantly, "then you've come to the right person!"

Sitting back, Lionpaw waited expectantly for a dramatic four-hour monologue on how I had attained greatness.

"Eat a mushroom every day." I said.

The golden brown tom furrowed his brow. "Why?"

"Because then I know you're listening to me." I replied.

"We're wasting our time." Jaypaw turned back towards his camp. "Let's go, guys."

"No." Hollypaw stopped him. "He's just doing this because he's testing us... or he thinks it's funny." she added as an afterthought.

If I had hands I would have applauded. As was, I had to settle for swishing my tail with contentment. "Well, well, Hollypaw. I think it's quite obvious what your power is, isn't it?"

The Three stared at me, different expressions on all of their faces.

"How about we sit down and discuss this on the ShadowClan side of the border?" I suggested.

"That's against the warrior code." Hollypaw automatically pointed out. "If we're caught, we'll get in trouble."

I waved my tail in what I hoped was a reassuring gesture. "It's fine. I'll just say that I invited you over to this side to talk and take the blame. Unless you'd like me going on to your territory?" I pointed out. "Besides, it's not like you'll be more than a tail-length over the border."

"We don't have much of a choice, do we?" Jaypaw asked, crossing the border hesitantly. "ShadowClan scent marks smell awful, you know that?" he noted, curling his lip.

"Funny thing, that." I meowed. "We ShadowClanners think the same thing about your ThunderClan marks."

Lionpaw curled his tail over his front paws. "If you know everything, then what purpose where we given our power for?" he asked.

"To oppose my megalomaniacal domination of the Clans, of course." I replied, straight-faced.

Lionpaw actually took me seriously for a moment before he stopped to think about it. "Wait, why would you be telling us that?"

I laughed. "To tell the truth, in this corrupted timeline I have no bloody idea. I mean, originally you were supposed to stop the Dark Forest invasion of the Clans, but that's in a timeline were Hollypaw died and some random other cat became the third cat of the prophecy. Considering that I'm planning an invasion of the Place of No Stars myself to eradicate everyone in it, I don't know if you're supposed to help me with that or do something completely different. Maybe you really _are_ supposed to oppose me." I considered with a shrug. "That's one of the few things that I don't know."

"Alright, then." Jaypaw looked into my eyes, and I felt trapped almost immediately. "What are our powers?"

"That's easy." I shrugged. "Lionpaw's unbeatable in battle unless he decides he doesn't want to be, you have the ability to walk in dreams, and Hollypaw can solve just about any problem without offending any party."

Silence.

"Okay, so Hollypaw's power sounded better in my head." I sighed. "Look, I had to think of something, okay?"

"Wait." Hollypaw's eyes widened. " _You_ gave me my power?"

"It was that or have you almost die in a hole and have some whiny underappreciative bitch take your place." I replied. "It was an easy choice."

"So, wait..." Lionpaw shifted on his paws. "Do _you_ have a power?"

"Sort of." I replied. "i have the ability to be absolutely nonsensical, as Jaypaw put it a quarter-moon ago. But more importantly, I can see what lies ahead and change the future. Sort of."

"Sort of?" Hollypaw frowned.

"The more I change things, the less I will know of future events. That's the best way I can think of to explain it."

"So what are our future names going to be?" Lionpaw asked eagerly.

"Unless there's some significant alteration to the future, you'll be Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, and Jayfeather." The main reason I didn't say Hollystar was because I still wasn't sure if I would be able to manipulate her path in that direction.

"Any other questions?" I finished.

"N...no. Not right now." Hollypaw replied.

"Very well," i meowed. "You may want to go now. I believe I hear a patrol coming."

Shooting frantic glances at each other, the Three darted off into ThunderClan territory.

* * *

"So this is what we will do?" asked Blackstar.

"Exactly." I replied. "If my calculations are correct, we can temporarily drive RiverClan from their camp like they were several moons ago. They should regroup on the Gathering island. With their camp captured, they will be demoralized and surrender. Then we can take as much territory as we like and establish Vichy RiverClan in what's left."

"What does 'Vichy' mean?" frowned the leader.

"It's a highly technical term I've come up with, but basically, it'll be under ShadowClan control, too."

"I see." Blackstar nodded. "So, technically, all of RiverClan will be under our control?"

"Exactly." I replied eagerly. "And since RiverClan will technically still exist, Firestar can't bitch and whine about needing four Clans to maintain the balance."

"Excellent. Everything is proceeding according to plan." Sharp yellow teeth showed through the leader's wide grin. "When do you suggest we attack?"


	14. The Author Is A Twat (Hey!)

The attack was ready. ShadowClan's best warriors had massed along the southern border, prepared to invade RiverClan. Guns were being shuttled to the front lines, preparations made for invasion, and RiverClan had no idea that it would be happening. The only thing that would be different from the Battle of Alsace-Lorraine Minor would be my lack of presence.

This battle, I preferred not to participate in. After moons of training, I was reasonably confident that ShadowClan's warriors would be able to hold their own without my overseeing the battle, and it would have quite an effect of my future plans if I were to be accidentally killed.

I didn't even personally tell the warriors their battle plans, instead trusting that Blackstar would get the plans across well enough.

Did I just want to sleep throughout the battle instead of wasting precious energy yowling out orders the cats already knew? Yes. Did the author not want to overshadow the sheer badassness of the Battle of Alsace-Lorraine Minor by writing another scene? Possibly, unless he's just being a lazy little shit. (That's something which he's very good at being.)

 **Hey!**

All author deprecation aside, I genuinely didn't feel like going to the battle.

No, I had other plans.

Off-camera... er, off-page? Off-computer? Off... Fuck it. Whatever you would call it, in between chapters I went off and stole a computer out of a Twoleg store. Don't worry about how I would manage to get in there, this is a crackfic. Even besides that, considering that this is a franchise built around heavily anthropomorphized cats grouped into specialized Clans that worship a pantheon of omniscient ancestors living in the stars, I think we've successfully crossed the line of absurdity. (Cue seal of absurdity stamping into place.)

Yes, I just plagiarized MatPat. Don't blame me, blame the author. All those FNAF theory videos he watched last night for something like three hours are now firmly embedded in his head. Seriously, VP, get a life!

Uh, where were we before the author thought it would be funny to go off into another bout of self-deprecation?

Right. Computers.

My claws weren't very good for typing, and I had to precisely place a pad atop the touch-screen mouse to get it to move, but I managed to get it set up in the end, and despite the lack of a charger (which I figured I could fix later) I still had 97% battery and 5 hours left on it.

"What have you got there, Snakepaw?" Littlecloud asked.

"A computer." I replied, tapping a paw against the screen. "Twolegs use it to help store information, among other things."

Frowning, my mentor meowed, "That's actually quite clever of them."

"I know." I replied. "Now, let's see if I can manage to switch this thing over onto mobile data or if I got the wrong kind."

Fortunately, I had stolen the right kind, and began clicking my kitten claws over the keyboard.

"What is..." Littlecloud squinted at the screen. "...morphine? Is that how you pronounce it?"

I nodded. "You can read."

To his credit, Littlecloud didn't get angry at me giving him backtalk. Instead, he began reading. "Morphine is a pain medication of the opiate type which is found naturally in a number of plants and animals.[5][7] It acts directly on the central nervous system (CNS) to decrease the feeling of pain. It can be taken for both acute pain and chronic pain. Morphine is frequently used for pain from myocardial infarction and during labor. It can be given by mouth, by injection into a muscle, by injecting under the skin, intravenously, into the space around the spinal cord, or rectally.[5] Maximum effect is around 20 min when given intravenously and 60 min when given by mouth while duration of effect is between three and seven hours.[5][6] Long-acting formulations also exist.[5]"

Littlecloud turned away. "To me, a great deal of this is nonsense. For instance, why are there so many numbers indicated?"

"Why'd you read them out loud?" I retorted.

"Because the author was too lazy to delete them out of my dialogue!" replied the brown tabby.

 **Great, now there's two of you breaking the fourth wall.**

"Who the hell is that?" Littlecloud shrieked.

I sighed in frustration. "We have a lot of explaining to do..."

Unfortunately, explaining that there was an omniscient being controlling everything that we did would have to wait, as a messenger burst through the entrance to the den and stood there panting.

"Owlpaw?" I straightened. "Speak. What news do you bring?"

After continuing to pant for a few more seconds, the small tom managed to get out, "RiverClan has fallen, and their camp has been occupied. Mistystar is ready to accept unconditional surrender."

"Excellent." I replied briskly. "I assume Blackstar has already been informed?"

"Yes."

"Excellent." I repeated, brushing past him, heading for Blackstar's den. Now it was time for negotiations.


	15. The Useless Filler Chapter

**A/N:...**

 **Welp.**

 **I've been slacking, and I'm WELL aware of it, believe me. I would have put out a chapter sooner if it wasn't for school, so if you want me to put out chapters more quickly, get me out of school really hard and fast.**

* * *

"A kit named Dirtkit came to the Clan once and said, 'I can keel over and die.' I said, 'Yeah, sure, I bet you can, you fool!' So he said, 'Alright, I'll show you. Here goes!' And then he just fell over and died." I concluded.

The kits burst into laughter. Generickit, Iforgethisnamekit, and WTFisthisshitkit seriously looked like they were going to keel over and die from laughter.

"Are you quite sure this is an appropriate story for the kits?" asked one of the queens, looking mildly worried.

"Might as well desensitize them now," I noted. "Best to do that kind of murder and mad dog stuff when they're really little so they get used to it."

Yes, I know. I'm dropping Michael Rosen references left and right. Blame that on the author. He's been watching far too many YTPs.

 **oh no i've been found out**

Yeah, of course! We know that, you fool!

Wait...

 **lel**

Bloody hell!

* * *

Whoopsies, I skipped over the treaty scene in my- or rather, the author's- eagerness to use my shenanigans with the kits as an opening scene.

I doubt you want to go through the boring negotiations shite, so long story short, we annexed everything up to the RiverClan camp, as well as both sides of the mouth of the river. I handled the territorial settlements, and Blackstar handled the growling and looking tough because that's all the idiot is useful for.

What? He's a malleable puppet, so I have the right to say whatever I want about him. Or maybe that's just an Adaptation Personality Change (TM) on the author's part.

We were originally going to annex a border along the lake up to WindClan so we could invade them, too, just for the evulz (HEIL SNAKEPAW, phallic salutes and all that, you know), but Blackstar pointed out at the last second that that much territory would be difficult to hold down and I dropped it.

When Mistystar protested the terms, however, I told her that she was lucky that we weren't putting RiverClan proper under occupation as well and instating a new leader, and she fell silent for some reason. I think she realized how I would have gone about putting a new leader in office despite her having all nine lives.

* * *

"You know something?" I asked Littlecloud.

"Hmm?" he replied.

"I'm basically a subverted example of a common trollfic main character." I explained. "I mean, I do have _de facto_ control over the Clan and have vassalized RiverClan, although some other common Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu tropes have been inverted or downright removed for the Rule of Funny trademark symbol."

"What is a /?" Littlecloud asked, and then looked confused. "Wait, how'd I even say that symbol? How would you even say that?"

"One of the perks of being a fourth-wall-breaker," I replied, "is that you can say impossible things without anybody questioning it unless you explicitly lampshade it for lols. Although usually, it's just because lazy trollfic writers who purposely spell everything wrong just put in a / instead of a ?, and not because the author thinks it's funny for the lampshading effects and all. , .,LOLI' ."

 **That's not how punctuation works, Snakepaw.**

"I'm so confused about this terminology." my mentor groaned.

"A common complaint among incompetents." I noted, and then ran before he figured out what I had said.

* * *

Right, enough useless shenanigans. Time for... spaghetti memes!

Wait, what?

Oh, no! This chapter's turning into a useless filler joke dump! I'm really triggered now!

...

Right, that's it. I'm stopping the chapter right now before the author messes my story up even more!

 **But what if I actually logically continue it?**

I don't care! I'm stopping the window before you start scratching the door handle! (See "The Michael Rosen Rapid Anal Discharge.")

Wait, what the hell did you just make me say?

 **Remember that I control every single thing that you do. I can make you say worse.**

 **Don't test me.**

Well, shit.

Fine, I won't murder your computer, but only if you actually continue this chapter logically.

 **Okay...**

Well, what are you waiting for?!

 **Your government-mandated time skip, which will occur in three... two...**

I don't even know how to respond to this.

* * *

And then there was a time skip. It was really trippy.

* * *

And suddenly, it appeared! Right in the middle of a time skip.

 _My mum._

"What you doing, sonny boy?" screeched Fernheart. "You have to wait for shit to happen naturally! You can't just timeskip randomly because you feel like it! What will the readers say?"

"They won't care, because they want the plot to advance, and if anything they'll blame the author because he's a convenient scapegoat." I replied. "Also, when did you become a fourth-wall breaker too?"

"That's only for now because the author possessed me, sonny boy!"

Yeah, the fact that she was saying "sonny boy" should have tipped me off.

 **But that's not my catchphrase...**

No, yer catchphrase is, "I'm a useless piece of shit."

 **No, it's... HEY!**

Now it is my turn to say "lel."

 **That's it, you're going to have to wait for next chapter before anything exciting happens.**

Wait, what? But we were right in the middle of a time skip!

 **Don't care. We can pick right up where we left off next chapter.**

Can't argue with that logic... BUT I CAN ARGUE WITH THE FACT THAT I WON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO ME FOR PROBABLY A MONTH, THE RATE YOU'RE GOING AT!

 **Technically, you're narrating in past tense, so you should already know everything that will happen.**

No, I shouldn't, because that would ruin the plot twists you have planned.

 **Ah, so you _do_ know what I'm going to do.**

No, but judging by what you've done in your Undertale fanfiction you're going to sadistically murder half the cast by the end of this one as well.

Wait... Did you just make me do a shameless plug for your Undertale fanfic?

 **#noregerts**

It's possible that you may have a problem.

Wait...

 **Time to end it here before the kitten jumps out of my computer and attacks me again.**


	16. Intermission: Fanfiction Sins: Part One

**A/N: I apologize for the long delay. There really isn't any excuse for-**

WELL, IT'S ABOUT FLIPPING TIME! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THAT TIMESKIP WHILE YOU MUCKED ABOUT WITH YOUR UNDERTALE FANFICS?

 **I-**

SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN A BREAK FROM HAVING A SIX-ARMED GOAT GOD DESTROY HALF OF NORTH AMERICA, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST GONNA BE A FILLER CHAPTER!

 **Can you be quiet for-**

YOU BETTER HAVE SOMETHING FRICKIN' AMAZING PLANNED FOR THIS CHAPTER, OR I'M GONNA-

 **Actually, I do. Now could you please be quiet and let me finish what I was saying?**

 **There really isn't any excuse for the amount of time it's been since a proper update, and unfortunately you're not getting one now either. Instead, I'm enacting a plan which Snakepaw will hate me even more for. What it's in the style of should be fairly obvious.**

* * *

 **Intermission:**

 **Fanfiction Sins**

 **presents**

 **Everything Wrong With**

 ** _THE THIRD SHADOWCLAN REICH_**

 **Part 1**

* * *

Shit, you are doing that plan after all.

 **What? It'll be fun to poke fun at myself some more.**

* * *

 **A/N: Well, originally this was something different, but I changed it to... this.**

 _ **Author dispenses useless piece of information that will never be relevant to the plot. +1**_

"That's what you get dueling Darth Vader with Chinese merchandise." I replied, pretending to do a Vader force-choke.

 _ **That's racist. +1**_

Albert made a mock-horrified look. "You racist! What's wrong with Chinese lightsabers?"

 ** _Younger brother has to point out the obvious. +1_**

I sighed and face-palmed. "Great StarClan!" I muttered to myself.

"What's StarClan?" asked Albert curiously.

"One day, when Mom lets you read Warriors, you'll know." I replied.

 _ **Reference to the franchise that Luke will very soon be in is shoehorned into the narrative. +1**_

"Anyway, I'm not racist. Donald Trump is racist."

 _ **Obligatory anti-Trump mention. +1**_

"You have a screw loose there." I said, pointing to his head. "Just tighten it and it'll be fine."

 _ **Luke quickly becomes a douchey older brother when a moment ago he was more of a cool snarky brother. +1**_

"Thanks, Luke!" Albert beamed and raced out the door of my room.

 _ **Albert immediately forgets about Luke insulting him the instant he fixes his plastic lightsaber. +1**_

I smiled, watching after my little brother. His affection made it a little harder to do what I did on FanFiction.

 ** _I really hope that affection you're talking about is purely platonic. +1_**

Under the name fuq69, I trawled the depths of Warriors and FNaF fanfiction trolling people, posting comments about their bad character composition, weak plot, or poor spelling. Awful trollfics like Starkit's Prophecy (even though I couldn't locate that anymore) got full marks and all positive comments from fuq69.

It was a troll's life I lived.

 _ **I don't even know what to say. Just add another sin. +1**_

Despite my trolliness online, when I closed out of FanFiction, I was an ordinary kid with a genuine passion for Warriors. Of course, were I ever to become a cat and join the warrior Clans, I'd troll the record by joining WindClan and becoming a medicine cat. Just to break the status quo. Then I'd try to give the Clans Twoleg technology, then troll everyone. As far as I knew, what everyone did on their human-turned-warrior stuff was just normal becomes a warrior, receives a totally predictable prophecy, stays a warrior even when offered to become a Twoleg again. That kind of thing.

 _ **Yeah, because you definitely wouldn't want to become a magical Gary-Stu with teh farty powers and destiny. No, that's the FARTHEST thing from your mind right now. +1**_

Of course, it couldn't happen. My hacking and trolling skills weren't the skills needed to do that kind of thing. Duh.

 _ **Luke affirms the obvious and will almost certainly be quickly proven wrong. +1**_

 **A/N: I'm considering discontinuing this, so make sure to tell me whether that's a good idea. Don't just say 'discontinue it' if you're a troll like Luke/fu69. If you are, go ask for psychological help. You'll come out of it a lot better, trust me.**

 _ **Another redundant author's note that only shows a relative lack of self-esteem. +1**_

When Monday rolled around, I ate tacos. Derp.

 _ **Failed attempt at humor. +1**_

Well, not really.

 _ **Of course "not really." +1**_

What I actually did was suffer through algebra, PE, and a bunch of boring classes I really didn't want to take, get detention for starting a food fight in the cafeteria (I just couldn't help it. The school's salad, when rolled into a ball, works SO WELL as ammo!), and walk home feeling depressed.

 _ **How do you make school salad into ammunition for guns? Sign me the《redacted》 up for that class! +1**_

Throwing aside my backpack (I never do my homework)

 _ **How do you expect to graduate if you never do homework? His teachers would have contacted his parents about this already, and once they find out he's a fanfiction troll I wouldn't be surprised if he gets put under house arrest! +1**_

I booted up the computer and logged onto FanFiction. I searched for Mary-Sue stories by typing in 'warriors greatest destiny,' then browsed awful Warriors fics for an hour, commenting rudely and reporting all the nice reviews as 'offensive.'

 _ **But didn't you say last chapter that you only troll good fanfics and put nice comments on horribly written ones? Make up your mind, kid. +1**_

"LUKE! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!" screamed my mother. She wasn't screaming because she was angry, she was just screaming because the basement, where her office is, is so far away from my room.

"I AM!" I screamed back, wondering if she'd even be able to hear me, then went right back to trolling people.

 _ **This exchange contributes nothing to the story and is never mentioned again. +1**_

"Shut up, voice in my head." I replied. Over time, I'd gotten used to the voices in my head, and often held conversations with them.

 _ **I think this kid needs to see a shrink. +1**_

And don't tell me I'm insane, because you know you've done it too.

 _ **Yes, but unlike you, I've seen a psychologist. (I didn't actually talk to him, but that's irrelevant.) +1**_

 _You did. But I'm here to warn you. Your life is about to change, forever._

"SHUT UP!" I screamed so loudly I thought my mom would probably be able to hear me.

 _ **The voice in the kid's head tells him his life is about to change and he yells "shut up" at it. His intelligence and genre-savviness seems to fluctuate as the story requires. +1**_

 _I'm not the voice in your head you always talk to, Luke. This is the best means of communication we can get through._

 ** _The implications of this are horrifying, because it means that the voices that are normally in his head are actually real. I'm not sure whether to add or remove a sin for this._**

"Oh, don't tell me." I groused. "Because my life sucks, you're StarClan communicating telepathically into my brain, you'll turn me into a cat, dump me into ThunderClan when my favorite Clan is ShadowClan, and then I'll save the Clans or something. That's how it always goes in those cruddy fanfics I read."

 _ **Luke is too genre-savvy for his own good right now so that the author can poke fun at self-insert fanfics. Unfortunately, he's what we call wrong genre-savvy. +1**_

 _No. You're being transformed, true, but for a different reason. Always, Twolegs have meddled in the affairs of the Clans, indeed, all cats. Your species is the reason SkyClan was driven away, the reason the Clans were forced to find a new home._ Always it has been Twolegs. _So this is your chance to redeem Twolegs in the eyes of StarClan. Pray you live well as a Clan cat._

 ** _That's... actually a somewhat good reason. -1_**

A bolt of pain seared through me, and I fell towards the ground. Next my body felt as if it was being stuck inside a vacuum, slowly being crushed and asphyxiating. It wasn't just my skin, but every single cell in my body. The vacuum sensation disappeared, only to be replaced by the feeling that I was being turned inside out, one cell at a time. I screamed, but all that came out was a weak whistling noise.

 _ **StarClan commits cold-blooded torture. +1**_

And then I died.

 ** _Of course you died! That's what happens when you get crushed, asphyxiated, and get turned inside out one cell at a time! I think we could have figured that out for ourselves. +1_**

Oh, I know what you're thinking. _But, Luke, you couldn't possibly have died. Otherwise you wouldn't be telling this story right now!_

 ** _I'm hoping you really are permanently dead to save me from this suffering. +1_**

"What just happened?" I asked.

"You died." came a voice from the trees.

 _ **Magical omniscient voice says the obvious. +1**_

"Oh, no, am I dead?" I panicked a little. You would have too. "Don't tell me I'm dead."

 _ **Too late, he already did. +1**_

"You are." Whitestorm replied. "It was the only way that we could take you and replace you inside a cat body."

"Wait, what?" I asked. "I don't want that to happen!"

 _ **Funny, considering how much your life apparently sucks you should be jumping for joy right now. Unless you're starting to realize just now how good you have it. +1**_

"You had no choice in the matter." Whitestorm meowed. "We'll have to erase your Twoleg memories, but you'll regain them when you become an apprentice of the Clan you are placed in."

 **A/N: Don't blame me for killing him. I needed a logical way to have him be able to communicate with StarClan, be placed into a cat body, and be a Clan cat in the first place.**

 _ **Author apologizes for killing a fictional character who gets revived as a kit in the next chapter anyway. +1**_

 **A/N: I'm just going right into this.**

 **And why no full allegiances? Because f*ck everything, that's why!**

 _ **That's rude. +1**_

 **And Fernheart doesn't exist as far as I know. I made her up for the purposes of the fic.**

 _ **Why not just use one of the existing cats around the time who was having kits and lump him in with them? Like, for example, you could've placed him in Tigerheart's body! That would've been much more interesting than whatever you're planning. +1**_

 **And finally, if you're expecting this to stick to canon, you shall be sorely disappointed.**

 _ **Like we couldn't tell already that this was an AU. +1**_

I rolled over, my dream vanishing. _What had it been about? Something about me, but different. I don't remember how... and then I died, or something like that._ The more I tried to grasp the dream, the more it eluded me, taunting me and dancing around the corners of my conscience.

 _ **Obligatory dream in which the protagonist recalls events from before losing his memories. +1**_

Redkit launched herself on top of me, sending me tumbling across the clearing. I hissed in anger and swiped at my sister. A drop of blood appeared on the tip of her ear.

 _ **Snakekit claws open his sister's ear for trying to play-fight. Everyone will forget about this in a few sentences, and he will never be penalized for it. +1**_

"Nice work, dickface!" I hissed. "You made me forget my dream!"

 _ **Anachronistic crass humor. +1**_

Redkit cocked her head curiously. "What's a dickface?"

 _ **Innocent kit is innocent. +1**_

"Well, dickface," Redkit commented, swiping back at my ear, "I just wanted to play with you!"

 ** _Despite not knowing what this word means, Redkit uses it perfectly anyway. +1_**

"Well, I don't want to play with you!" I replied. "I'm gonna go hide in the dirtplace!"

 ** _Toilet humor. +5_**

"Ew!" squealed Redkit. "Why would you do that?"

"To hide from you, obviously." I snorted.

 _ **There are literally hundreds of better places to hide than in a pile of fecal matter. +1**_

"But why would you do that?"

 _ **I feel really sorry for Redkit right now. +1**_

"God dammit, are you really that dense? I DON'T WANNA PLAY WITH YOU!"

 _ **Snakekit is a douche. +1**_

"Why are you doing this to me, VolcanicPizza?" I wailed to the sky. "Why can't I just have an easy, friendly life with my sister?"

"Because it's my story and I don't want you to." responded an omniscient voice from the sky. "Ha ha. Troll face." Strangely enough, none of the other cats in the camp appeared to hear it either.

"And why do I keep having these weird dreams I can't remember?" I continued, apparently not noticing the voice in the sky that was presumably that of the Twoleg that had dreamed me into existence in the world of this fanfiction. I turned to the direction that I assumed the screen was in and continued, "Please, people reading this, tell VolcanicPizza to let me have an easy life!"

"Even if they do, I won't listen." the voice in the sky laughed.

 _ **This entire exchange isn't funny at all. +5**_

"FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-" I raged, and at that moment remembered something called a 'rage comic.'

 _Quick, before it fades from my memory!_ I drew earnestly in the muddy silt. _A trolldad rage comic._ I remembered.

It went like this:

Trolldad: Son, how many wings does a chicken have?

Son: Two!

Trolldad: Okay, how many feet does a chicken have?

Son: Haha, that's easy, two!

Trolldad: How many teeth does a cat have?

Son: Uh, I dunno. Twenty?

Trolldad: Seems you know more about cock than you do pussy!

Son: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

 _ **It should be obvious why this is a sin. +1**_

Redkit trotted up behind me. "Hey, what's that?" she asked. "And what're those squiggly things next to the pictures?"

"It's a rage comic." I replied. "It shows Twolegs doing mouse-brained stuff."

 _ **Snakekit is suddenly acting cordial towards his sister whom he apparently hates. +1**_

Yet I didn't destroy the alphabet, and instead stared at it, memorizing it and committing it to memory lest it fade again.

 _ **This line is kind of good, but given how we got here let's just give it a sin and move on. +1**_

The sight of the squiggly lines, recognizable from a place I didn't remember, filled me with determination.

 _ **Undertale reference. +1**_

 **A/N: Heh. And of course I had to sneak in a random Undertale reference.**

 _ **Author points out his blatant, already obvious Undertale reference, thus forever marking him as trash. +5**_

After a timeskip of a few moons during which nothing relevant to the story happened, and chances are you don't want to hear about the incident in which I magnificently trolled Redkit and recalled my memory that I was actually a Twoleg... Huh? What? You want to hear about that?

 _ **Vague attempts to interact with the audience in a somewhat demeaning way. +1**_

Okay, fine. Get off your knees and stop whining. I'll tell you.

 _ **Stop acting superior to your readers. +1**_

One morning, when I woke up, I saw a review on the fic I'm apparently just a character in and not actually a real person (crazy, right?) magically projected into the sky. All I could read of it before it vanished, again by some random magic, was, "Hopefully Snakekit accidentally buries himself in the dirtplace and stalks..."

 _ **And it wasn't obvious by now that you're in a fanfiction? +1**_

So then I piled dirt on myself (not that kind of dirt, the other kind of dirt. Ew.) and hid in the nursery.

 ** _This could be interpreted either way. +1_**

It didn't take long before le wild Redkit derped in-

Huh? You don't like people saying derp, herp, and le?

Well, then.

 _ **The author proceeds to cover the rest of the chapter with bad, outdated memes. +10**_

Okay, where was I?

Oh, right. After Redkit derped in.

Yeah, I'm too tired to tell you right now. Good night.

 _ **What planet is this funny on? +1**_

Okay, I'm awake now. Stop poking me, or I'll poke back, in your genitals.

Just for that, I'm putting it off until tomorrow. That'll teach you.

 _ **You're assuming I won't have got fed up with your useless shenanigans and left by then. +1**_

Still here, huh? That's determination. I'll give that to you.

 _ **Undertale reference. +1**_

So when le wild Redkit derped up-

What did I already tell you? Don't you remember what happened last time?

 _ **Believe me, it's still etched into my mind, thank you very much. +1**_

So anyway, when Redkit derped up, I launched myself towards her moaning, "I am the omniscient dirt monster!"

 _ **More toilet humor. +1**_

Dirt floated off of me in chunks as I sighed in relief.

 _ **I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to interpret this. +1**_

Wondering how I knew where I was going, I ran along the lake's shore until I saw it: a Twoleg path stretching into the trees. I wondered vaguely how I knew it was a Twoleg path right before I tripped and clobbered my head on the road.

 _ **This is why kits aren't allowed out of camp. +1**_

Yowling sounded in my head, something like _It isn't the time yet!_ I gasped, clutching my head and doubling over, as everything streamed back to me. _I am a Twoleg named Luke, I was killed and turned into a cat..._

 ** _Snakekit bonks his head and suddenly remembers everything. +1_**

"I am a troll." I laughed gleefully. "I've already broken the _status quo_ by not being in ThunderClan and the whole reincarnation thing. Similarly, there's no prophecy about me... yet."

 _ **And hopefully there won't be. +1**_

Trying to remember as much as I could from my previous life, I laughed again.

"I wonder how ShadowClan would like to have guns? And, after I become Littlecloud's apprentice, I wonder how ShadowClan would like to become a medicine cat-led hegemony?"

 _ **Yeah, you won't be able to do that. The Clans are too rooted in tradition, and this isn't Warriors Redux ShadowClan where the medicine cats**_ **de facto _control the Clan. +1_**

* * *

 **Sin Count: 82 (so far)**

 **Verdict: To be decided...**

* * *

 **Golly, I missed the good old days of self-deprecation.**

Well... at least you're willing to recognize your own flaws...?

 **NYEH HEH HEH!**

 _ **Undertale reference. +1**_

 **WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! GET OUT!**


End file.
